By Laura Owens
Too nervous to leave your baby for a night out? You’re not alone; first-time parents often can’t stomach the thought of handing their little one over to even a trusted family member. But, making couple and communication time a regular priority builds a balanced family dynamic for years to come.
Are you biting your nails at even the thought of leaving your baby?
Start with an at home date night. Even with the unexpected and guaranteed interruptions (baby crying) the effort jumpstarts your brain into putting some attention back on your relationship.
Couple’s Shift in Relationship Impacts Children
It might seem pretty obvious, but a solid parental relationship gives kids a solid family foundation to navigate multiple facets of their life.
“Kids whose parents’ relationship has cooled are more likely to have behavioral or academic problems than kids of happy couples,” says Philip Cowan, PhD, in the Parents.com article “Happy Parents, Happy Kids” Dr. Cowan and his wife, psychologist Carolyn Pape Cowan, PhD. have studied families for decades “Even if you can’t see yourself going out on a date for yourselves, do it for your kids,” says Dr. Cowan.
There’s no exact timetable for when new parents should get their couple time back on track. But, if the only romantic time you’ve spent together is when you both dragged diaper filled garbage bags to the curb and happened to notice a full moon, a date night is past due.
Start small and set yourself up to succeed. Keep your expectations realistic about your home date night. Even if you’re constantly interrupted by the baby crying, the phone ringing or texting (disconnect) you’re creating a pattern of making couple time a priority. And, equally as important as your children get older, you’ll teach them that mom and dad deserve down time, that while they might be the center of your universe, they’re not the only ones with needs.
Here are a few tips to create easy at-home date nights and to kick-start regular couple communication:
Romantic Date Night: Bistro in a Bag
While spit up and dirty diapers hardly seem like the backdrop for a romantic setting, even sporadic moments can re-connect couples.
Stow a big bag filled with things designed to create a quick, easy, spontaneous romantic setting. Set up in a comfortable, preferably scenic area of your house, the front or back porch, dining room or on the floor on a blanket in the family room by the fire. When the baby’s (finally) asleep, with the monitor along for peace of mind, set up your date night bag. Include:
- Table cloth
- Small blanket (for picnic style)
- Two elegant placemats and cloth napkins
- Candle in a protected candle holder (aromatherapy is ideal)
- Lighter Small FM radio or CD player
- Relaxing, upbeat or romantic CD
- Non-breakable vase (for flowers from your own garden or inexpensive bouquet from the grocery store).
- Soothing or energetic aromatherapy air spray
Relationship re-entry is reason enough to dust off your porcelain wedding china and crystal stemware. If you can stand it (I never could) let dirty dishes soak for the night. Caveat, if using china adds to the growing pile of things to do and stress, bag it and use paper.
The setting should be whatever helps you relax, candles, music, aromatherapy. The food should be easy and what you genuinely enjoy: beer and brats, soda and sandwiches, red wine and artisanal cheeses. Don’t force what doesn’t feel right. Finger foods and appetizers are the way to go, cheese, crackers, shrimp cocktail, crusty French bread for dipping, artichoke and spinach dips (make a big low fat batch, pop in the oven, store some for the next week), olives and anti pasta trays offer an easy and elegant buffet-style dinner.
Dinners for Two
While becoming a parent often puts the kibosh on dining out, if you’re eating home every night, splurge every so often for a special take-home dinner. Order a gourmet pre-made meal from a favorite restaurant. Cut costs by leaving out dessert or sharing a salad and side. The goal is to avoid cooking and that your setting and meal feels special.
What’s easier, more delicious and fun than food drenched in cheese or rich chocolate? Buy a loaf of French bread and break it into chunks, chop your favorite veggies, arrange pretzels, strawberries, bananas, mini brownies or other savory and sweet fondue dippers. Pre-made cheese and chocolate fondue packages are available at most grocery stores and you can order inexpensive fondue sets online (usually seasonal items in stores). Fonduing feels romantic, out of the ordinary and festive. Also, you can stop and reheat your melting pot sauce if you get interrupted.
Take a Family Walk & Notice Nature
Love looking at fuschia and orange-drenched sunsets while listening to chattering, chirping birds? So do most of us. James Neill in his article, “Nature Theory: On the connection between natural environments & human well-being” says we come pre-programmed to connect with nature, “The positive effects are due to our long evolutionary (and consequently genetic) links to having a preference for being in natural environments.”
Before the sun sets and if your baby isn’t in her witching hour (and if she is but likes walks) stroll with your husband around your neighborhood. Breathe. Consciously become mindful of your inhale and exhale patterns. Breathe slowly and deeply rather than fast and shallow. Talk, catch up with your spouse or just silently take in the sensory experiences of nature. Listen, look, inhale. Make the decision to spend time outside as often as possible, leaving the demands of home for even 15 minutes. Connecting with nature and down-shifting your breathing will refresh the most mentally and physically exhausted moms and dads.
Constantly Communicate With Spouse
When you become a parent the notion of “regular couple communication” seems like a nice goal but a ridiculous improbability.
Yet, an essential healthy relationship habit is for parents to regularly share feelings and to actively try to hear their spouse’s points. Listen (not my best trait) before reacting. Make a standing weekly or bi-monthly appointment (or date) in your planner to sit down with no interruptions (phones and Facebook off).
If you don’t schedule time to communicate and connect you risk getting stuck on parental autopilot, moving from one To-do to another, wearily waving to your spouse as you pass each other in the hallway before dropping into bed.
Tap Into Parenting Expectations & Goals
An offshoot of weekly communication is for couples to do an informal, relaxed climate survey, a term I borrowed from my old life in the business world. Employers sometimes administer surveys designed to gauge employee satisfaction across key areas in the company and based on red flags that surface, they make changes.
For couples, the idea is to monitor your family’s temperature, your overall home life “climate.” When your baby reaches at least two months old (the first month or so you’re unavoidably in a fog and on autopilot) and then every month after, sit down with no outside interruptions ask each other the following:
- “How do you feel physically and mentally?”
- “What surprised you about the changes in your life, in yourself, in our relationship?
- What is working really well for us? Where do we need to make changes in how we support each other?
Shoot for an informal, open, non-defensive and completely honest discussion. If your husband’s inching for sex but you still feel your breasts are for baby and off limits, tell him why. If you need more help at home, ask. Try to avoid making superlative accusations like “You always, you never” and instead say “I would really appreciate if you would…… because I really need…”
Relationship re-entry is completely individual and it happens with spits and starts for new parents. In my case, from the day my daughter turned three weeks old, my husband and I asked family, friends and trusted babysitters to watch her so we could go out once or twice a month. Our reentry wasn’t always seamless; my daughter sometimes screamed the instant I left. My stomach sank and my husband and I worried the entire time we were gone those first few tries, but our daughter got used to the routine and we haven’t stopped our regular date nights since. Friends of mine however, didn’t feel comfortable leaving their kids for months or even the first year. Whatever works for you, works.
If you’re too nervous to leave your baby but feel like you and your spouse are drifting into the marital shadow lands, try an at-home date. Work up to regularly scheduled full-fledged nights out. And as often as possible, make open communication a regular part of your rekindling and connection process. Because while marriage satisfaction the first year of new parenting generally drops, research shows couples can rebound and in many cases, are even happier.
Reference: Robinson, Holly. “Happy Parents, Happy Kids,” Parents.com (accessed March 2, 2010).
Laura Owens is a freelance writer and essayist from Central Florida. She has a BS in Psychology from University of Florida and Rollins College. Laura writes about well-being and self-empowerment. Website: Laura-owens.com Blog: lauragowens.wordpress.com Articles: suite101.com/laura-owens
