Somewhere between school drop-offs, work deadlines, sports practices, and figuring out what’s for dinner (again), many of us quietly began spending less time on our hair.

Not because we stopped caring. Because life simply got busy.

For many moms, a quick ponytail or messy bun has become the go-to style, and wash day is carefully planned around an already packed schedule. Looking polished can start to feel like it takes more time than we have.

The good news is that healthy, beautiful hair does not have to come with a complicated routine. Sometimes the biggest difference comes from choosing products that do more of the work for you. When your hair is healthier from the start and your styling tools perform efficiently, getting ready becomes faster and far less frustrating.

That is exactly why Ouidad and Bio Ionic make such a great combination. One focuses on creating healthier, more manageable hair, while the other helps you style it quickly and beautifully. Together, they make it easier to enjoy great hair without sacrificing precious time.

Healthy Hair Begins Long Before You Style It

It is easy to think the secret to beautiful hair is found in the perfect blowout or curling technique, but truly healthy hair starts in the shower.

When your hair is properly hydrated, styling becomes easier. Hair tends to be smoother, softer, and more cooperative, which means spending less time fighting frizz and more time enjoying the results.

For more than 40 years, Ouidad has been dedicated to helping people achieve healthier hair through moisture-rich, thoughtfully formulated products. Best known as a pioneer in curl care, the brand has earned a loyal following by focusing on hydration, manageability, and long-term hair health.

One product pairing that immediately stands out is the Moisture Lock Ultra-Nourishing Cleansing Oil Shampoo and Moisture Lock Conditioner. Unlike many traditional shampoos that can leave hair feeling stripped, the nourishing shampoo gently removes buildup while helping restore moisture, while the conditioner locks in hydration to leave hair feeling soft, smooth, and more manageable. Together, they create a healthy foundation that makes styling easier from the very start.

A Routine That Works with Your Schedule

One of the best things about this routine is that it adapts to however you choose to wear your hair that day.

Before reaching for any styling tool, Advanced Climate Control Curl Miracle Treatment helps prepare your hair by providing lightweight heat protection while helping fight humidity and frizz. It is one of those simple products that quietly does a lot of work behind the scenes, helping keep hair looking healthier over time.

If you are embracing your natural curls, Advanced Climate Control Heat & Humidity Gel helps define curls while maintaining softness and reducing frizz. It offers hold without leaving hair stiff or crunchy, making it an easy choice for everyday styling.On days when you prefer a smooth blowout, Advanced Climate Control Featherlight Styling Cream creates a polished finish while keeping hair soft and touchable. It helps control frizz without weighing hair down, making it ideal for everything from workdays to weekend outings.Rather than requiring an entirely different routine, these products simply allow you to choose the finish you want while keeping the foundation of your hair care consistent.

The Styling Tools That Help Busy Mornings Run More Smoothly

Even the healthiest hair deserves styling tools that work just as hard.

That is where Bio Ionic comes in.

For years, Bio Ionic has focused on creating professional styling tools that help deliver beautiful results while supporting healthier-looking hair. The brand has earned the trust of both professional stylists and everyday users by designing tools that combine innovation with performance.

The Bio Ionic AeroGravity Dryer is a perfect example. Powered by Bio Ionic’s Signature Ion Mineral Technology, superboosted with Advanced AntiStatic Ion Technology, the AeroGravity conditions hair as it dries for smoother, shinier, healthier-looking results from the very first blow-dry. It is lightweight, comfortable to hold, and designed to help make everyday styling faster and easier.

The dryer also includes a Precision Concentrator for sleek blowouts and a Defining Diffuser for enhancing natural curls, giving you the flexibility to create different styles with one versatile tool.

For moms who love soft curls, the Bio Ionic Long Barrel Styler is another time-saving favorite. Its extended barrel allows you to style larger sections of hair at once, meaning fewer passes and faster styling without sacrificing beautiful, long-lasting curls. When every minute counts, little details like that can make a big difference.

Because Self-Care Doesn’t Have to Be Complicated

There is a reason we hear so much about self-care. Life moves quickly, and moms are often the first to put themselves last.

But self-care does not always mean a spa day or an afternoon to yourself.

Sometimes it is replacing products that no longer serve you with ones that make life a little easier.

Sometimes it is spending less time styling because your hair is healthier to begin with.

Sometimes it is simply walking out the door feeling confident.

That is what makes the combination of Ouidad and Bio Ionic such a natural fit. Healthy hair begins with nourishing care, and thoughtful styling tools help bring out the best in it. Together, they create a routine that fits real life, making it possible to enjoy beautiful hair without spending your entire morning in front of the mirror.

Because every mom deserves a routine that feels a little less like another task and a little more like self-care.

The post The Busy Mom’s Hair Routine That Feels Like Self-Care appeared first on AKAMom Magazine.

That’s why we’re loving the beautifully designed collection from Inglesina, a brand known for combining Italian style with practical, parent friendly functionality. From travel ready strollers to cozy newborn essentials, these are the products truly worth adding to your registry.

1. The Nursing Essential You’ll Reach for Every Single Day

Inglesina Elysia Nursing Pillow

Late night feeds, early morning cuddles, cluster feeding sessions, a good nursing pillow quickly becomes one of the most used items during the newborn stage. The Elysia Nursing Pillow was thoughtfully designed to provide comfort and support for both baby and parent during feeding time.

Whether you’re breastfeeding, bottle feeding, or simply snuggling your newborn, this is one of those practical registry items you’ll be thankful you added.

Why parents love it:

• Ergonomic support for feeding sessions
• Helps reduce strain on arms and shoulders
• Soft, cozy comfort for baby
• Beautiful, modern design
• Great for breastfeeding or bottle feeding

2. The Cozy Essential for Newborn Comfort

Inglesina Welcome Pod

The newborn stage is all about helping your baby feel safe, soothed, and secure. The Welcome Pod was thoughtfully created with exactly that in mind.

Made with breathable bamboo and cotton materials, this cozy lounger provides a snug environment for supervised playtime, cuddles, and tummy time. Its ergonomic design helps support proper posture and comfort while creating a calming space for your baby during those early months.

Parents especially love that it adapts as your baby grows and can be used through multiple developmental stages.

Why new parents love it:

• Soft, breathable natural materials
• Supports baby’s comfort and posture
• Great for tummy time and lounging
• Adjustable design grows with baby
• Cozy, calming environment for newborns

3. The Travel Friendly Stroller Every Parent Needs

Inglesina Quid³ Stroller

Whether you’re navigating airports, errands, or everyday walks, the Quid³ Stroller was designed to make life easier for parents on the go. This ultra lightweight stroller weighs just 14 pounds and folds with one hand, making it ideal for travel and quick outings. It’s compact enough to fit in most airplane overhead compartments, but still roomy and comfortable for your baby.

Why parents love it:

• Lightweight and compact
• One hand fold design
• Airplane friendly size
• Comfortable reclining seat
• Breathable fabric for warmer days

4. The Stylish High Chair That Actually Looks Good in Your Home

Inglesina My Time High Chair

If you’re trying to avoid bulky baby gear taking over your house, the My Time High Chair is a dream. This sleek, modern high chair blends beautifully into your home while still delivering all the functionality parents need during feeding stages.

Its elevated aesthetic and minimalist design make it one of those baby items parents genuinely enjoy having in their kitchen or dining space.

Why it’s registry worthy:

• Modern, elevated design
• Easy to clean surfaces
• Comfortable support for baby
• Designed to grow with your child
• Fits beautifully into modern homes

At the end of the day, the best baby products are the ones that truly make life easier and Inglesina has clearly designed its collection with real parents in mind. In a world of overwhelming registries and endless baby “must-haves,” there’s something refreshing about choosing a more minimalist approach: investing in thoughtfully designed essentials that combine comfort, functionality, and style.

The post Building your baby registry? We asked moms which baby products were truly worth it and these essentials made the list. appeared first on AKAMom Magazine.

A sneeze.
A cough.
A laugh that goes on just a little too long.

And then… you pause.

Because something just happened that your pre-kid self would absolutely not have been prepared for.

Motherhood is beautiful. It’s meaningful. It’s life-changing.

It is also… occasionally humbling in ways no one really talks about.

Let’s go ahead and talk about them.

The Sneeze That Changed Everything

You don’t think twice about sneezing.

Until one day… you do.

Suddenly, a simple sneeze feels like a gamble. You find yourself bracing like you’re about to attempt something athletic.

Crossed legs.
Quick calculations.
A silent prayer.

If you know, you know.

For many moms, this comes down to pelvic floor changes after pregnancy. It’s incredibly common, even if no one exactly puts it in the brochure.

Helpful things moms turn to:

• Pelvic floor exercises or trainers over time

• Leak-proof underwear for those “just in case” moments

Because sometimes confidence is just knowing you’re covered.

Pregnancy: The “What Is Happening” Phase

Before the baby even arrives, your body starts doing things that were definitely not discussed in advance.

Random leaks.
Unexpected changes.
Moments where you just pause and go… okay then.

Pregnancy has a way of keeping you guessing. Just when you think you understand what’s happening, something new shows up.

It’s like your body is running a series of updates without asking.

A small shift that helps:

• Having more absorbent, comfortable underwear on hand

• Giving yourself permission to not overanalyze every new symptom

Because not everything needs to be figured out immediately.

The Delivery Room: Where Modesty Takes a Back Seat

There are a lot of things people tell you about labor.

Breathing. Timing contractions. What to pack.

What they don’t always say is this: At some point, modesty just… leaves.

There are people in the room. No one is concerned. Everything is happening very quickly and very publicly.

And then there’s that moment.

Yes, pooping during labor is a thing.
Yes, it’s common.
Yes, the nurses act like it’s just another Tuesday.

Strangely, that’s the comforting part.

After delivery, though, reality shifts again. Recovery becomes the focus, and having the right basics nearby can make those early days feel a little less overwhelming.

The Milk Has Its Own Schedule

Postpartum life introduces a new level of unpredictability.

Leaking breast milk sounds manageable… until it’s happening in real life.

At random times.
In random places.
With absolutely no warning.

You could be:

• Talking to someone

• Sitting quietly

• Not even thinking about it

And suddenly… here we are.

Most moms learn quickly to keep nursing pads close or already in place.

Because once your body decides it’s time, there’s really no negotiating.

The Moment It All Becomes… Normal

At first, these moments feel surprising. Maybe even a little embarrassing.

But over time, something shifts.

You realize how common they are.

You start hearing other moms mention the same things.
You recognize the patterns.
You stop feeling like the only one.

Bodies change. They adapt. They figure things out in their own time.

Not perfectly. Not all at once.

But steadily.

The Part We Don’t See Online

Scroll through social media and you’ll see:

Perfect photos
Clean spaces
Put-together moments

What you don’t see:

The pre-sneeze panic
The backup shirt in the bag
The quiet “please not right now” moments

Real life is happening in between all of that.

And honestly, those are the moments that connect us more than anything else.

A Different Kind of Beautiful

Motherhood doesn’t just look like the highlight reel.

It looks like adjusting.
Adapting.
Figuring things out in real time.

Sometimes it’s graceful.

Sometimes it’s… not.

Sometimes it involves crossing your legs mid-sneeze and hoping for the best.

But it’s real. And it’s shared by more women than we probably realize.

And maybe that’s the part worth remembering.

Not the perfect moments.

The honest ones.

The post From Sneezes to Surprises: Motherhood Is Beautiful and Also a Little Leaky appeared first on AKAMom Magazine.

It might come after a move.
After going back to work.
After leaving a job.
After a divorce.
After a new baby.
After the kids start school full time.
After they leave for college.

The details vary. The feeling does not.

It is not dramatic. It is disorienting.

And for many moms, it feels like an identity crisis that no one prepared them for.

When the Role Shifts

Motherhood already reshapes identity. But when a big life change stacks on top of that, the ground shifts again.

You may have spent years being the primary caregiver. Then suddenly you are back in an office, or building a business, or navigating co parenting, or sitting in a quiet house during school hours wondering why you feel restless instead of relaxed.

The routines that once defined you are gone. The pace is different. The expectations have changed.

You are still a mom.

But you are also something else now.

And figuring out that something else can feel uncomfortable.

The Invisible Grief

We do not talk enough about the grief that comes with change, even when the change is positive.

Going back to work can feel empowering and heartbreaking at the same time.

Moving to a new city can feel exciting and isolating.

Watching your kids become independent can feel proud and lonely.

There is often a quiet mourning for the version of yourself that existed before the shift.

The stay at home mom.
The corporate climber.
The newlywed.
The exhausted but needed toddler mom.

Even if that season was hard, it was familiar.

Letting go of familiarity takes emotional energy.

The Question Underneath It All

Most identity crises boil down to one question.

If I am not only this, then who am I?

Moms are especially vulnerable to this because so much of our identity is wrapped around caring for others. When circumstances change, it can feel like losing your title.

But you were never just the title.

You were the person inside it.

The life change does not erase you. It reveals parts of you that may have been dormant.

That can be unsettling. It can also be freeing.

When You Outgrow an Old Version of Yourself

Sometimes the crisis is not about loss. It is about growth.

You may realize you no longer want what you used to want.

The job that once defined you might feel misaligned.

The social circle that once fit might feel forced.

The parenting style you started with may not fit the family you have now.

Growth is not always glamorous. It often feels like friction first.

There is tension between who you were and who you are becoming.

That tension is not failure. It is evolution.

The Pressure to “Figure It Out”

Social media does not help.

It makes reinvention look clean and immediate. One day she was overwhelmed. The next day she launched a business, trained for a marathon, and started a podcast.

Real identity rebuilding is quieter.

It looks like trying something and changing your mind.

It looks like taking a class just to see if you like it.

It looks like reconnecting with an old interest and realizing it still lights you up.

It looks like journaling through confusion instead of pretending you are confident.

You do not need a five year plan to validate your growth.

You need permission to explore.

Rebuilding Without Erasing Motherhood

One common fear during identity shifts is this: if I invest in myself, am I taking something away from my kids?

The answer is no.

Children benefit from watching their mothers evolve.

They see resilience.
They see courage.
They see adaptability.

They learn that identity is not static.

You are not abandoning motherhood by expanding beyond it. You are modeling depth.

Practical Ways to Move Through It

An identity crisis after a big life change does not resolve overnight, but there are gentle ways to navigate it.

Start by asking yourself what feels energizing right now. Not impressive. Not productive. Energizing.

Reconnect with something that used to make you feel like yourself before the most recent season took over.

Give yourself a small project that is only for you. It does not have to make money or go viral. It just has to matter to you.

Talk about it. With a friend. With a therapist. With your partner. Identity confusion thrives in silence. It softens when spoken out loud.

And most importantly, let it be a season.

You are not broken. You are transitioning.

The Truth About Reinvention

Big life changes do not erase you.

They stretch you.

The mom identity crisis after a move, a career shift, a divorce, or a new chapter is not a sign that you have failed. It is often a sign that you are growing into something more layered.

Motherhood evolves. So do you.

And maybe the question is not who am I now?

Maybe it is who am I becoming?

There is space for that answer to unfold slowly.

You do not have to rush it.

The post The Mom Identity Crisis After a Big Life Change appeared first on AKAMom Magazine.

You stand there.

You stare at the counter like it personally betrayed you.

Why are you here?

Right. Coffee.

You already made coffee.

It is in the microwave.

For the third time.

Welcome to mom brain.

We joke about it constantly. We send memes. We blame it when we forget passwords, misplace phones, or call one child by the other child’s name and then somehow land on the dog’s name too.

But beneath the humor is something very real. The fog. The forgetfulness. The sense that your once razor sharp mind now feels like it is buffering.

Here is the good news. You are not losing intelligence. You are not becoming less capable. Your brain has simply shifted priorities.

What Is Actually Happening

Pregnancy and early motherhood trigger measurable neurological changes. Hormones fluctuate dramatically. Sleep gets interrupted. Stress increases. At the same time, your cognitive load multiplies.

Studies have shown that pregnancy can reshape areas of the brain related to empathy, social awareness, and emotional processing. Certain structural changes appear to make mothers more attuned to their babies’ needs. In other words, your brain reorganizes itself around caregiving.

It is not shrinking into incompetence. It is specializing.

When your brain is recalibrating for attachment, vigilance, and emotional scanning, it is going to prioritize differently. Remembering where you put your sunglasses may not rank as high as detecting subtle shifts in your child’s mood.

That does not mean you are declining. It means you are adapting.

It Is Not Just Pregnancy

Many moms expect the fog to lift once the baby sleeps through the night. And then years later, they are still wondering why they cannot remember why they opened the fridge.

That is because mom brain is not only hormonal. It is logistical.

Motherhood introduces chronic cognitive load. You are carrying a running checklist in your head at all times. School forms. Pediatric appointments. Sports schedules. Birthday gifts. What is for dinner. Who needs new shoes. Whether you signed that permission slip.

That mental background noise is constant.

You are essentially operating with 42 tabs open in your brain at all times. And occasionally one of them crashes.

Usually the tab labeled “Where Did I Park.”

Why It Feels Worse Than It Is

Here is where comparison sneaks in.

You remember your pre kid brain. You could sit through meetings without interruption. You could finish reading something in one sitting. You could focus for extended periods without someone yelling “Mom!” from another room.

Now your attention is split dozens of times per hour. Research shows that frequent task switching reduces working memory performance temporarily. The more you switch, the harder it is to hold details in short term memory.

You are not less intelligent.

You are more interrupted.

That distinction matters.

The Cognitive Trade Off

Here is something we do not talk about enough. While short term recall can feel foggy, many mothers report increased emotional intelligence, faster problem solving under pressure, and sharper intuition.

You may forget your own PIN code. But you can sense when something is off with your child before anyone else notices.

You may lose your train of thought mid sentence. But you can coordinate childcare, logistics, schedules, and emotional support simultaneously.

That is not decline. That is a shift in strengths.

Practical Ways to Clear the Mental Clutter

Now let’s get practical.

You cannot remove the mental load entirely. But you can lighten it.

First, stop trying to store everything in your head. Externalize information. Use shared digital calendars, notes apps, planners, whiteboards, whatever system feels natural. Your brain functions better when it is used for thinking rather than storage.

Second, protect your sleep like it is part of your job description. Sleep is directly tied to memory consolidation and cognitive clarity. Even small improvements in consistency can make a noticeable difference. That may mean earlier bedtimes or putting the phone down sooner than you want to.

Third, move your body. Physical activity increases blood flow to the brain and helps regulate stress hormones. It does not need to be extreme. A brisk walk counts. Dancing in the kitchen counts. Anything that gets oxygen flowing helps.

Fourth, reduce decision fatigue. Simplify repetitive choices. Rotate meal plans. Streamline wardrobes. Automate bill pay. The fewer small decisions you make daily, the more mental energy you preserve.

Finally, practice focused attention in short bursts. Ten minutes of uninterrupted concentration on one task can strengthen cognitive endurance. The brain responds to repetition and training.

When to Look Deeper

Mom brain is common. But if memory issues feel severe, rapidly worsening, or paired with mood changes, confusion, or personality shifts, it is important to consult a healthcare provider.

Thyroid imbalances, vitamin deficiencies, anxiety, depression, and perimenopause can all affect cognitive function. Many of these are treatable. Clarity often improves once underlying issues are addressed.

Trust your instincts. You know your baseline.

What This Season of Your Brain Is Really Showing You

Mom brain is not a joke. It is not weakness. It is not evidence that you are slipping.

It is your brain adapting to one of the most cognitively demanding roles a human can take on.

You are managing logistics, emotions, schedules, safety, and relationships simultaneously. That requires enormous mental energy. The occasional forgotten grocery item does not cancel out the strength it takes to hold all of that.

So yes, you might forget why you walked into the pantry.

But you remember who needs you.

And that says more about your brain than any meme ever could.

The post “Mom Brain” Is Real. But Here’s What It Actually Is. appeared first on AKAMom Magazine.

You are both moving forward. Just not in the same direction.

And no one did anything wrong.

At first, it is subtle. You text less often. The conversations that once felt effortless now require more context. The things that feel urgent in your world feel distant in theirs. You are deep in one reality while they are navigating another.

You talk about preschool waitlists. They talk about spontaneous travel. You are calculating bedtime. They are calculating brunch reservations. You both try to show interest. You both genuinely care. But something feels slightly off.

It is not conflict. It is misalignment.

One of the hardest parts is when conversations start to feel like translations. You are describing your day and realize halfway through that it does not fully land. They are sharing something meaningful and you nod, but you cannot fully access the emotional weight of it because your daily experience looks so different now.

There is empathy. But it takes effort.

We grow up believing that the closest friendships are permanent fixtures. If someone is your person at twenty-three, they will be your person at forty. But adulthood does not move in straight lines. It curves and loops and pulls people into different seasons at different times.

Marriage. Divorce. Kids. Career pivots. Relocations. Health scares. Caregiving. Reinvention.

Each shift subtly reshapes who we are and what fills our days. Not every friendship can stretch comfortably across every version of you.

Sometimes you are the one who changed. You respond more slowly. You stop sharing as openly. You feel like explaining your life requires too much background. You worry that they think you are boring now, or you quietly think they feel chaotic. Then you feel guilty for even thinking that.

That guilt is part of the drift too.

Resentment can creep in quietly as well. You feel frustrated that they do not understand your time constraints. They feel frustrated that you are always unavailable. Nobody says it directly. Instead, everyone grows a little more careful, a little more distant.

Drift is rarely loud. It usually shows up as longer gaps between contact and fewer spontaneous moments of connection.

The reality is that adult friendship requires intention. Not dramatic, performative effort. Just steady, honest effort. Reaching out when you are tired. Making time that is not glamorous but meaningful. Being transparent about what you can realistically give in this season.

And sometimes, the truth is that neither of you has much left to give.

That does not mean the friendship lacked depth. It means life became heavier.

The friendships that survive these shifts are rarely identical to what they once were. They evolve. They allow space without assuming abandonment. They do not require constant proximity to feel secure. They are rooted less in frequency and more in mutual respect.

The friend who says, “I do not fully understand your season, but I care about you in it,” is the one who often stays.

It is also important to acknowledge that not every friendship is meant to remain central forever. Some are intense and brief. Some are steady and long. Some pause for years and return when life circles back around. There is grief in letting certain dynamics change, but there can also be relief in releasing the pressure to preserve something exactly as it was.

Friendship in adulthood may look quieter. It may be voice memos instead of marathon phone calls. Coffee squeezed between responsibilities. A text that says, “I saw this and thought of you.” It may not be constant, but it can still be real.

And if you find yourself wondering whether you are drifting from someone who once mattered deeply, the first move does not have to be dramatic. It can be simple.

Send the text.

Not to force things back into their old shape. Just to acknowledge that the connection mattered and still does in some form.

Because sometimes drift is not about distance.

It is about hesitation.

And hesitation can be bridged.

The post The Friendship Drift: When Life Stages No Longer Match appeared first on AKAMom Magazine.

Even the most skilled multi-tasking working woman knows keeping everything on track is tough. From work schedules to social calendars to finding time for yourself, it’s easy to get stuck in a rut with a chaotic routine. Day to day is a challenge enough and that holds true for moms across America, even famous ones like actress Malin Akerman.

Akerman admits the joy of motherhood and all of the increased activity that comes with it makes her balancing act tough, especially with her new role on the small screen. The ABC “Trophy Wife” star wants to make the right choices without sacrificing time, taste or nutrition, while savoring every moment with her baby and husband.

“Now more than ever, I appreciate the little delights in each day. For me, that’s everything from getting to spend extra time with my family to enjoying my favorite snack during a break on set,” said Akerman. “I fell in love with M¸ller yogurt because it’s a delicious, nutritious snack that’s easy to grab and go.”

Akerman has mastered these simple tips to make it all work:

* Don’t Skip Breakfast. It’s important for the entire family to start the day off right. Breakfast gives you energy for the day and keeps you from caving into all the bad options when hunger hits mid-morning.

* Be Ready for Anything. Because of her hectic schedule, Akerman stocks the fridge with nutritious snacks that are easy to grab and go. Her favorite treat is new M¸ller Fr¸tUp Mango, a creamy yogurt topped with whipped fruit mousse which she describes as pure bliss.

* Take a Stroll: Akerman always tries to stay active. She loves going on long evening walks with her husband and son.

* Play Guessing Games: Akerman likes to keep her muscles guessing, so she is always changing up her exercise routine. Right now, her favorite exercises are cycling class or pilates.

* Buddy-up: She really enjoys exercising outside in the summer. Akerman just grabs a girlfriend and goes for a hike. She loves that it keeps both of them on track.

For a behind-the-scenes look at Akerman’s daily routine, summer tips for a successful balancing act and a full line-up of tasty yogurt flavors, visit www.Facebook.com/mullerquaker.

The post Advice for Multi-Tasking Moms appeared first on AKAMom Magazine.

By Laura Owens

“If mom ain’t happy no one is happy.”  The quippish slogan is often said in jest, yet depression among mothers is no laughing matter.

Writes the Mayoclinic.com, “About 1 in 8 women develop depression at some point in life. Women are nearly twice as likely as are men to struggle with depression at some point. Depression can occur at any age, but it is most common in women between the ages of 25 and 44.“

It’s no coincidence depression among women is more likely during their childbearing years. Yet, while most of us have heard about the “baby blues” or the more serious postpartum depression, depression and it’s common cousin anxiety can hang on far longer than a few months or even first year, and in the process, clamp a dark cloud over the entire family.

In her book The Beast, [Diane Publishing,1995] former Washington Post reporter Tracy Thompson reveals her 1990 suicide attempt and psychiatric hospitalization following a decades-long battle with depression.

Compiled from her own painful story and a survey of nearly 400 mothers with depression, Thompson’s book The Ghost in the House: Motherhood, Raising Children, and Struggling With Depression [HarperCollins, 2006], once again brings readers inside the often closeted world of depression, only this time from her experience as a mother.

Thompson, in a March 2009 email interview, shared her thoughts:

 Q. Unlike postpartum depression, “maternal depression” isn’t listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. What’s your definition?

Tracy: My own unscientific definition of maternal depression is that it’s depression created by, exacerbated by, the stresses attendant on being a mother in our culture. It’s also what can happen when a mother’s depression reaches out to ensnare her child.

Maternal depression is my shorthand way of acknowledging that the bar for what constitutes a “good mother” has been going up imperceptibly for well over 100 years now. Victorian mothers suffered under high expectations for motherhood, too, but at least they were not expected to be “good mothers” AND wage earners AND household CEOs at the same time.

Q. Do you think the media’s depiction of mothers contributes to maternal depression?

Take a look at this month’s cover of Working Mother (or any number of parenting magazines): the mother is radiant, fashionably dressed, perfect makeup, her arms around an equally beautiful little girl; the mom is a senior lawyer in a prestigious law firm and finds the whole thing pretty much a breeze. Well, that’s just horses–t. Motherhood is a high-stress occupation whether you have a paid job or not, and if you are vulnerable to a mood disorder the level of difficulty just multiplies by 10.

Q. Why don’t we see the term maternal depression used in the mainstream?

Two reasons: First, we think we’re using it, because lots of people consider it synonymous with “postpartum depression.” The way I see it, postpartum depression is one type of maternal depression, but motherhood goes on a whole lot longer than the postpartum period. The other reason is the assumption I mentioned earlier, that motherhood equals bliss. Or that frankly stating it’s not all bliss makes you a child abuser and/or a “bad mom.”

Q. With your stories and those of Brooke Shields and Marie Osmond, this issue has received a lot more attention. Has society stopped vilifying mothers who suffer with depression or do we still envision Andrea Yates, who in the end, was diagnosed with the very rare, postpartum psychosis?

I think movie stars and public figures have done a lot to bring public attention and awareness to this issue, and I’m grateful, that’s a useful and socially responsible way to use one’s fame. The subject is always more complex than they make it sound, but that’s okay; the main thing is that people understand that it’s an illness and that it’s treatable.

Q. Do you feel mothers contribute to the idealization of motherhood? If so, how do you suggest they break the cycle?

Yes, I think we do contribute to it, though we are subjected to such subtle, pervasive pressure to do so that it’s almost inevitable. An example: I belong to a listserve in which moms swap questions and hints, etc. The questioners tend to be new mothers, but they include some mothers of older children, too.

There’s an “about me” section you’re supposed to fill in when you submit your question, and almost without exception the women put something like: “Mom to two adorable tots, married to the love of my life” or “blissfully happy SAHM” or “single mom, working hard but loving every moment of motherhood,” or something of the sort. I can’t decide if it’s comical or defensive or both, especially considering the fact that these women are writing for advice because they’re having PROBLEMS.

I too am married to a man I love very much, and I cherish our two daughters, but I don’t feel the need to sign every e-mail that way and proclaim it to the world at every opportunity, you know? Men don’t feel the need to proclaim their love of fatherhood every time somebody brings up the subject; married people don’t feel obliged to assert their undying passion everybody brings up marriage (far from it!), but somehow, when it comes to motherhood, there are a lot of women out there who feel they must assert how much they love, love, LOVE every minute of it. And I think the best way to break that cycle is to just stop doing that, and that starts with just being aware of what we do to ourselves when we perpetrate that. It’s the psychic equivalent of trying to look like Barbie.

In  Ghost in the House, Tracy Thompson takes readers inside the often misunderstood and maligned world of mothers and depression. Maternal depression, an illness that left untreated, can have profound ramifications for not only mothers but the entire family.

Through her own courageous story and others, Thompson offers insight, support, and hope for thousands of mothers struggling with depression during what should be — their most satisfying years.
Q. Why did you write The Ghost in the House: Motherhood, Raising Children, and Struggling with Depression?

I wrote my book because I thought I had my own depression, and how to manage it, all figured out, and then I had a baby. I discovered that I had just moved from the farm club, so to speak, to the big leagues in terms of managing my illness. The stakes were so much higher, the demands so much greater, the list of potential victims much longer. I felt continually insulted by the societal assumption that motherhood is unadulterated bliss and something that women take to “naturally.” It’s by far the hardest job I’ve ever had, as well as the most rewarding. (My daughters are my treasures, and it’s not their fault mom had to struggle up the learning curve.)

Q. What reoccurring and perhaps surprising messages surfaced during your research with mothers for Ghost in the House?

I think the surprising thing was the pent-up need to talk about it. I posted a query in O Magazine asking people with this experience to contact me, and hours after the issue appeared on the newsstands I had something like 100 e-mails – and they just kept coming and coming. It just blew me away.

Q. In the book you remind readers that “there are two basic ways in which depression is handed down from one generation to another: by the genes parents pass on to their children, and by the behaviors parents model for their children.” What effect does depression have on children?

There are all kinds of effects on kids, and they can vary widely, from full-blown depression in the child, too, to no effect whatsoever. So much depends on how the mom deals with her illness, how soon treatment is begun and how the depression factors into the environment (i.e., if the mom is depressed because she’s poor, doesn’t know how to handle her kids and her boyfriend keeps beating her up, the outlook for the kids is pretty grim).

There’s also research that shows that perinatal depression is harmful to the fetus, since depression raises cortisol levels, and those can pass through the placenta and affect the baby’s neurological development. But this is something I try not to dwell on too much, because my purpose is to point out the problem and possible solutions – not to freak women out about the harm they may, potentially, possibly, may someday be doing to their kids.

Dwelling on that is usually the last thing a depressed mother needs; my experience is that depressed mothers feel enough guilt to begin with without adding to their (self-inflicted) burden. And emphasizing the kids kind of makes it sound like the suffering of the women themselves isn’t really reason enough for treatment – the REAL reason is we must protect those children!! I’m all for protecting children, but getting treated for depression is worthwhile in and of itself; you don’t need any other reason to do it other than the need to be kind to yourself.

Q. You include a chapter in your book entitled, “How the Struggle with Depression Can Make You a Better Mother” What did you learn from your own journey through maternal depression?

Well, perseverance. No substitute for that, and it’s good for your kids to see you trying over and over at stuff, even when you don’t always succeed; it’s good for them to know that some days you have trouble dragging yourself out of bed but that you do it anyway. Also empathy, and that goes as much for the kids as the mothers. I try to be open with my kids about my own struggles, and to assure them that if I don’t feel well it is NOT their fault. I hope, I believe, that my children are tolerant of differences and understanding of other peoples’ weaknesses in a way I wasn’t when I was their age.

And I should also say that they have also seen a marriage where two people stand by each other for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, because, believe me, my husband and I have seen ’em all. I think this is changing in recent years, by the way; a whole new generation of women has started to write about motherhood in a much more open way. And thanks to the Internet, there’s a ton of that writing out there.

For some women, motherhood triggers the entry into or return to depression. When women however, open up and speak their truth they force themselves and the media to stop treating the illness as taboo or the mark of a bad mother. In the process, the healing for women and their families begins.

Bio:

Laura Owens is a professional writer with a B.S. degree in Psychology. She attended Rollins College and University of Florida. Laura’s work covers alternative medicine, psychology, social trends, motherhood, women’s issues and personal empowerment.  Her articles and insights stem from extensively reviewing medical research and from her own experience in successfully creating personal wellness for more than a decade.

“I believe that although many medical and mental health practitioners are caring, well-meaning and highly knowledgeable healing partners, you’re more likely to achieve long-term mind and body wellness when you make your own informed and intuitive decisions. Our true power lies within our instincts and when we gain knowledge. But we must first tap into a deep, primal knowing — that we deserve nothing less than to feel well, to feel joy.”  – Laura

Website: The Psychology of Positive Living: Laura-owens.com 

The post Maternal Depression: When the Blues Don’t Go Away appeared first on AKAMom Magazine.

Your baby is growing up. She’s changing and most likely — so are you.

In what seems like mere moments, your little one moves from your arms, to confidently waving goodbye, to a moody middle-schooler, soon she’ll be stressing about her driver’s license, prom and SATs.

Next stop? Out the door and farther away from fully needing you.

Every milestone in our children’s lives can be an emotional turning point in our own, constantly ping ponging between feeling proud of our kids, and experiencing a genuine sense of loss as they leap forward.

Each new responsibility they conquer is one more task we finally get to let go and yet – its one more thing we have to let go. As our children grow-up our role in their lives changes and we begin to feel the slightest shift deep into our cells. Our identity, once so intertwined with theirs, gradually begins to reshape itself.

Ann Pleshette-Murphy, author of The Seven Stages of Motherhood [Macmillan,2005] suggests that the ages and stages during motherhood force women to re-think their lives, identity, relationships, choices and goals.  Regularly noticing how we feel as our children get older can help emotionally anchor us (and our partner) for the final stage  – empty nest.

The Seven Stages of Motherhood

New Moms: The First 12 months

 Parenting educator Jan Faull refers to this as the “parent on call” stage. As mothers respond to their baby’s every need they soon neglect their own. This can be a pivotal time in a couple’s life as they reorient their relationship, responsibilities and expectations.

This stage can be a key launching pad for new moms to adopt an attitude that her needs matter as much as her family’s. While this might sound unrealistic with a baby who needs you 24/7, starting your parenting life with a mindset that your identity and needs are separate but equal to your kids and spouse, paves the way for a healthy family balance.

Toddler Years: Age 1 and 2

This is a push-pull time for mothers. Separation anxiety and tantrums mark a stage filled with mixed signals and high emotion. As toddlers become more independent, mothers realize they can’t always control or protect their increasingly active child.

Depression rates are twice as high among women with toddlers and many moms during this stage, begin to question their parental prowess. “We all hold on to unrealistic expectations of seamless transitions,” admits Pleshette-Murphy.

Pre-school to School Ages 3 to 6

As pre-schooler and kindergarten children become a little more independent parents sometimes forget that kids at this age are still emotionally demanding. Parents and children simultaneously let go and yet, reflexively grasp for each other.

As children enter school the separation can bring up feelings of ambivalence in mothers, particularly for those at home full-time. Because while this stage can feel somewhat liberating, for some it can feel as if their mom cord has been forcefully ripped away.

I suggest mothers always nurture their “non-parent” identity with date nights, time with friends, a part-time job, a new career, classes, a hobby, putting at least some priority on fostering parts of their identity outside of mothering.

Pre-Tween: Gradually Pulling Away Ages 6 to 10

During this time moms may begin to treat their children more and more as an individual. Pleshette-Murphy suggests this period is a “motherhood midpoint of sorts” as women begin to sense that their role in their child’s life is slightly diminishing.

For years I met mothers who told me, “I’ll have time to focus on me when my kids start school.”  But the thing is, you never go away, the kids do, and who is left is a woman wondering who she is.

Try to fit yourself into your own life from day one, long before your kids enter school. This teaches your kids (and you) that while they are deeply loved and valued, you also honor and respect your own identity and your own (and your spouse’s) needs.

Tween Gray Zone: Ages 10 to 13

Pleshette-Murphy calls this time the “Gray Zone” because one day a tried and true parenting approach works wonders with your child, on the next day it’s a total disaster. Similar to the toddler/pre-school years, only with hormones and an advancing vocabulary, pre-teens reaching for independence can become volatile and engage their parents in endless no-win battles.

And like toddler time, there’s a constant push-pull, says Pleshette-Murphy. “When she stands with one foot in childhood and the other in early adulthood, and struggles to maintain her balance, the person she will grab onto with a desperate, clawing intensity is you.”

Teens Getting Ready To Go: Ages 13 to 18

As the empty nest approaches we see the horizon of our “second life.”  This has been a particularly bittersweet time for me as my daughter turned 14. I’ve been struck by the intensity of emotion as I look back and then think forward to how our lives will be different when she’s out of the house.  I’ve long since forged my identity with my child and separate from her and feel firmly rooted in myself, yet I still have abrupt pangs of loss.

Pleshette-Murphy writes of this time, “In the process you will have re-shaped not only your relationship with your child but your identity as well. Trying to figure out who you are with your adolescent children will trigger feelings of resentment, loss, panic, and anger – but also joy.”

This can be a major turning point for couples. Years back I met a woman in my mom’s group who was a therapist. She told me she saw mostly empty-nest couples in her office because when the kids left home, very often the parents felt like strangers, their relationship long anchored by their children’s needs.

At every stage of our children’s lives, as we celebrate and yet mourn the loss of their innocence we can re-evaluate our identity and relationships.  At each touch point as we prepare our children to confidently move out into the world, so too can we prepare ourselves — to reenter our own.

Bio:

Laura Owens is a professional writer with a B.S. degree in Psychology. She attended Rollins College and University of Florida. Laura’s work covers alternative medicine, psychology, social trends, motherhood, women’s issues and personal empowerment.  Her articles and insights stem from extensively reviewing medical research and from her own experience in successfully creating personal wellness for more than a decade.

The post How Moms Change as their Kids Grow appeared first on AKAMom Magazine.