We all know how important father/son bonding time is. The relationship a boy has with his father greatly shapes the man he will become in the future. But building a great father/son relationship can be tricky as your son hits his tween and teen years. All of a sudden Dad isn’t as cool as he used to be and your son will most likely lean toward spending time with friends. Although it may be tougher, this is a crucial time for Dads to be involved and maintain the relationship with their sons. With a little advanced planning, you can make the most of your father/son time and create great memories.

Here are a few ideas to get you started: 

1) Meet him on his Turf. Go for a bike ride, lace up some skates, kick a soccer ball; you may even need to grab the wii remote and give video games a try. If you want to hang out and relate with your son, you will need to do it in a way he understands and desires.

2) Go to Movies. This gives you time together, but you don’t need to talk. Then when the movie is over, you’ll have something to talk about. But again, you may have to go to a movie that is out of your comfort zone, let him choose and love it no matter what.

3) Take him out to Dinner. Let your son choose where you eat and make have fun! Whether it is an impromptu dinner or one that is planned for weeks, food is always a good hit with boys.

4) Go to a Sporting Event Together. Boys usually love sports and it’s a perfect time for father and son to bond over a favorite sport or team.

5) Keep Talking. Most boys aren’t as verbal and chatty as girls which can make them hard to talk to. But ultimately, everyone loves to talk about themselves so if you ask questions and keep the conversation going, your son is sure to let down his guard and talk with you.  

6) Invite his Friends Over for Pizza. Nothing gathers teenage boys faster than food. If you are willing and able to provide, the boys will come. You may not get the one-on-one time with your son you were hoping for, but you will get to see him in his natural environment. Plus, his friends will probably strike up conversations with you which will give you a glimpse into your child’s life.

7) Turn off the Electronics in the Car. Don’t allow your teen to bury his face in his phone while you are driving around. He can put the phone down for 15 minutes. If conversation doesn’t come easily, turn on the tunes and bond over music. Car rides are a fantastic time to catch up and converse with your kids.

8) Don’t take it Personally. It can be hard when your son chooses to hang with his friends instead of you, but try not to get too bent out of shape over it. In truth, your nagging and pestering will only drive him away more. Understand that he wants to be with his buddies and let that happen.

9) Be Vulnerable with Him. Let your teen know what scares you, what you like, mistakes you’ve made. If you seem like a “real person” to him, he is more likely to hang out with you.

10) Don’t Give a Guilt Trip. “Guilting” your son into hanging out with you will not result in quality bonding. Instead you’ll have a child who resents you for making him skip something fun to hang with his parent.

Sincerely,

Daddy Nickell

Robert Nickell, aka Daddy Nickell, father of 7, offers his “5 cents” worth of advice to expectant and new parents.  Daddy Nickell is the founder of Daddyscrubs.com, delivery room duds and daddy gifts and apparel, and the DaddyScrubs blog where he covers topics about parenting all from a Dad’s perspective.

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Parenting is all about balance, and it can be quite difficult to feel as if you’re giving your children enough attention while also trying to balance work, life and good relationships. It’s all about finding the right balance and eliminating the dreaded feeling of guilt in relation to parenting. Remember: If you’re doing your very best, you’re doing it right.

Daddy guilt exists as much as mommy guilt does just in different ways.  I believe most dads think that they do not spend enough time with their kids.  However, as with most guilt it is really an internal process, and the kids themselves are likely quite content with the level of attention they are receiving.

I’ve put together my top tips for alleviating the feelings of daddy guilt and being more engaged, involved and connected – even if you don’t get as much time as you’d like with your kids.

When in Doubt, Play: After having 7 kids of my own and experiencing 50 plus years of life, I find I am a little less concerned about my guilt nowadays. If I feel even slightly remorseful, I push those feelings aside and simply sit down on the floor and start playing with my kids.  Together, we like activities such as: reading, building train track set ups, and just walking outside together to explore our surroundings. Building memories together, bonding and establishing a relationship is an important part of being a dad, and engaging in activities with your children whenever you have time will eliminate some of the daddy guilt you might be feeling from working too much or traveling.

Give Your Undivided Attention: For a working dad or mom, the key to avoiding guilt and building relationships is undivided attention.  When you have the time to be with your kids, do so, without the smart phone nearby and without any other distractions. Even fifteen minutes of undivided attention a day is better than an hour of being in the same room while distracted by a television, a computer or a phone.  Quality time is well spent sitting quietly, asking questions, and listening to your children. Your kids will show you what they need from you; they’ll lead you to their understanding of quality time, and you need to be ready to jump on that bandwagon.  Engage your children, make eye contact, and listen to what they’re saying. That is ten times stronger and more effective than force feeding activities or trying to simply entertain them.

Make the Phone Call: When your kids are grown and out of the house it’s important to connect with them, and that generally means logging onto Facebook, setting up a Skype call, sending them an email or making that phone call. Your goal is simple: check in, ensure they know you are thinking of them and give them your love. If you have little ones at home and your work demands you travel and are away from you family for long periods of time you’ll need to do the same types of things to stay involved and engaged. In our house we love Skype and FaceTime; it allows us to see each other face-to-face, check in, smile, and even play with toys or read a story together. Engaging in this type of activity – even when you’re far apart – will alleviate the feelings of guilt that might come with being away from your family for work.

Be Consistent: Be the man your family relies on and follow through – every time. If you work long days and are only home at night in time for baths and story time then be present, every single night, for those activities. If you work nights and only get to spend time with your children when they wake up in the morning then be present and make that time count. If weekends are the only time you get to connect with your children then be consistent during those times and be involved and engaged. Your kids will look forward to the time they get to spend with you, and when you consistently engage them you’ll be making memories and building relationships that will last a lifetime.

So my advice is really this: if Dad is feeling guilty, he should just jump in and spend time with his kids, whenever and however possible – it will benefit everyone involved. 

Sincerely,

Daddy Nickell

Robert Nickell, aka Daddy Nickell, father of 7, offers his “5 cents” worth of advice to expectant and new parents. Daddy Nickell is the founder of Daddyscrubs.com, delivery room duds and daddy gifts and apparel, and the DaddyScrubs blog where he covers topics about parenting all from a Dad’s perspective.

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Yes, as our budding musicians near the end of school, it is time for one of the most difficult of parental obligations: attending annual spring band concerts.  Because of all of the hand-wringing instances where our kids are placed in the spotlight, listening to their first performances is by far the most painful.

Of course we can’t blame our kids for this.  Musical instruments are very difficult to learn.  Any one who has heard a beginning violinist knows exactly what I am talking about.  A few minutes with the long, ear-piercing squeal of a violin can make water-boarding look pretty good.

Fortunately, there is a fundamental law that applies to all beginning instrumentalists:  the degree of listening pleasure is inversely proportional to the relation to the performer.  It works like this.  The instrument always sounds best to the performer.  It sounds pretty good to the performer’s closest relatives.  It sounds politely passable to friends and acquaintances.  And to everybody else, it sounds like an endorsement for earplugs.  If this law were not true, orchestras would only consist of drums and harmonicas.

This is what I was thinking as I sat in the school auditorium on a warm spring evening listening to my son’s concert band warm up with rousing renditions of the B flat and C major scales; which I think were played simultaneously.    Eventually, the conductor ticked his baton on a music stand and the audience of proud parents grew silent.

My son lifted his horn with anticipation, and just before the downbeat filled the entire auditorium with music. Great, big, beautiful music.

It’s a fundamental law, you know.

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 Building a home for bluebirds requires some thought and skill, two qualities I lack.    My son tells me the house should be contained because bluebirds are “cavity nesters”.  The hole must be small enough to prevent larger birds from taking over the home.  There should be no perch to attract predators.  This is the kind of stuff he has been learning in Cub Scouts.

From experience I also know that a good birdhouse should not be built with a driveway: too much shoveling.  But a man cave might be nice.

Placement is also important.  If I build a home outside our bedroom window the bluebirds will sing Chiree Chiree in the morning.  It is hard to reach out of bed and punch a birdhouse.  “Location, location, location!” I tell my son with authority like a bluebird real estate agent.

“Dad, I don’t think that will work,” he says looking at my handiwork.  I have attached a shoebox to a tree.  It is colored with blue crayon gables to look like an old Victorian.  I think it looks pretty good.  Apparently, so does the cat.  Inside, she is watching intently, twitching her tail, ready to pounce through the glass.

“I think it should be made of wood so it doesn’t leak,” he tells me.  He is probably right, but that means finding my tools.  That’s OK.  The Cub Scout Pinewood Derby is coming up; we have to mount wheels on a block of wood that we have artfully cut and race it down a long track.   As I show him how to use a handsaw, I don’t mention the stone-and-two-birds analogy.

Now it’s finished and I don’t care what he says.  Like spring, the Cub Scout Pinewood Derby has arrived and I, for one, am proud of our new wooden birdhouse.  So what if it has wheels and a racing stripe?

By: John Christmann, is a freelance writer and all around good guy. He lives in Summit, NJ with his very tolerant wife and three children. His favorite color is plaid and he is afraid of machines and small dogs. You can check out his unique take on parenting at www.dadinthebox.com or fill up his inbox at john.christmann@dadinthebox.com.

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Even as a grown man, I still have trouble with the concept that it is better to give than receive. This has always seemed like an imponderable Zen Koan to me, like the sound of one hand clapping or the meaning behind Donald Trump’s hair. If I study the riddle long enough, the answer will reveal itself to me and I will be enlightened. But as my wife often reminds me, enlightenment is probably not in my future. You see, like a lot of men I know, I am missing the gift gene. This is not to say that I don’t know how to give, it simply means that I don’t know what to give. When challenged by gift ideas, my mind is like an Etch A Sketch in an earthquake.

To be honest, it is far more pleasurable receiving gifts. Call me selfish, but I would rather receive a billion dollars than earn it and give it away, just as I would rather receive an ugly sweater than suffer the humiliation of buying one for somebody else. I don’t think I am alone here-at least among men who are short a few chemicals in their DNA generosity sequence. I was probably eight or nine when I was first exposed to the riddle of giving. It was over the holidays and my mom informed that it was better to give than receive. I was drinking eggnog at the time, and I laughed so hard it exploded out my nose. Giving better than receiving? Who was she trying to kid? At that age, the only thing I could ever remember giving anyone was a headache; which was probably why I received the giving lecture.

It wasn’t until after I got married that I finally discovered the secret to heart-felt gift giving: nice jewelry. I learned this after a lot of coaching from my wife and one rather large misstep that involved a gift-wrapped Dust Buster. Given my history then, it is surprising that I recently found myself lecturing my own children on the importance of giving. This occurred after they set the kitchen table on fire during a candle lighting ceremony to celebrate Kwanzaa, Chanukah, and Christmas all at the same time. “What is the significance of all these celebrations?” I quizzed them, blowing away fragrant wisps of smoke. They looked at each other briefly, before shouting in unison, “to get more presents!”

“Giving is not about presents,” I told them, “it is about showing someone that you care by sharing something of yourself, whether it is something of value, assistance, or just plain thoughtfulness.” And then I left them with the puzzling words of my youth: It is far better to give, than to receive. They didn’t have a clue what I was talking about. As an unenlightened man, I didn’t really expect them to. But sitting at the table splattered in smoldering candle wax, I realized that on some level I do enjoy the act of giving.

I give to my children everyday. Their welfare and safety is more important than my own. Their physical and emotional needs come before mine. I happily give up the food from my plate if they are still hungry and my precious space in bed if they cannot sleep. I live to give them confidence, to give them choices, to give them chances to do things I never could. And sometimes I give them gifts for no other reason than to show them how special they are. And what do I get from all of this selfless giving? I receive the unburdened joy of snowy smiles, the urgent grasp of arms that can barely reach around my waist, and the warmth of small bodies that curl up in my lap. I receive more love than I can manage. And during the holidays I receive the unbridled excitement of kids anticipating more presents than I can possibly give. No, I don’t care what they say; it is far better to receive.

Digital Momories

I am the official photographer in my house. Ever since my children were born I have been the master of point and click, first with the digital camera, then with the mouse. As a result, I have hundreds of file folders on my computer filled with thousands of digital photos with intriguing identifications like, December or DCS1211. I have collected so many digital images over the years that I recently purchased a backup drive to store them all. By the time the transfer was complete it was out of warranty.

Most of these photos are of family and friends. The few photos where I am present my children snapped, and my head is either out of the frame or is blocked by a large UFO which looks suspiciously like a finger passing over the lens. In fact, the only image I have of my face is one I took a couple of years ago when I renewed my passport. I shot it in the mirror holding the camera at my chest. The outline of my head is just visible within the blinding white reflection of the camera flash. Unfortunately the passport agency rejected my self-portrait and shot one for me. “But I look just like Jesus!” I said in my defense as a photographer.

I can see it now. One day my grandchildren will be ogling over digitally enhanced images of holidays past. They will marvel that their parents were once kids too. And then, after awhile, a puzzled expression will creep across their faces and they will ask, why wasn’t Grandpa with you over the holiday? And my adult children will reply, who do you think took all the pictures? And the young ones will pause in the glow of endless electronic memories parading before their eyes and wonder, why did he take so many? This holiday season, whether you celebrate Chanukah or Christmas, please shoot responsibly and remember this: it is far better to make memories than it is to record them.

Dad’s Point of View – John Christmann is a freelance writer and all around good guy. He lives in Summit, NJ with his very tolerant wife and three children. His favorite color is plaid and he is afraid of machines and small dogs. You can check out his unique take on parenting at www.dadinthebox.com or fill up his inbox at john.christmann@dadinthebox.com.

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