Millions of women around the world are devouring Fifty Shades of Grey, but before our fascination with Christian Grey, the controlling billionaire who lures a virgin co-ed into his Red Room of Pain, was our blood lust for the immortal men of Twilight, Vampire Diaries and True Blood.

Yet, unlike our thirst for vampire erotica, something unspoken lies beneath our hunger for the forbidden themes in Shades, something in our collective psyche about female sexuality we need to unwrap and destigmatize.

But first I need to confess.

I haven’t read Fifty Shades of Grey or seen the movie but not because I’m squeamish or judgmental about anyone who watches or engages in BDSM. What ever sexual exploration turns someone on is fine with me as long as it’s physically and emotionally consensual, and doesn’t lead a woman down a pathway of codependence or self-loathing.

For the most part I almost never read fiction and I haven’t gotten around to the seeing the movie although the movie’s been out long enough for me to get around to it. I guess I can’t picture myself sitting next to my husband or friends in a packed theatre of voyeurs while blindfolded Anastasia groans in a convoluted blend of pleasure and pain. I also can’t bear the thought of watching Shades on pay-per-view in case my 17 year old daughter wanders into the family room and my pause finger freezes on a bondage scene.

Apparently in order for me to feel comfortable watching Shades I need to create my own permissive atmosphere at home, with my husband and out of ear and eye shot of my nearly grown daughter. What this says about me likely reflects how our society still handles women’s sexuality in general, that is, with confusion.

Friends I ask about the book are quick to admit they’ve read Shades, even women who appear (by my stereotypical lens) uber conservative and wouldn’t be caught dead discussing even your vanilla varieties of sex. When the book series came out nearly every woman I knew had it on her bedside table.

About three years ago a group of women and I took a limo to celebrate a friend’s birthday. In between champagne and shots I asked the group what they thought about Fifty Shades of Grey (almost everyone had read at least one book in the series). I ask women all the time and no one evades the question but they do quickly sum up why they can’t put the book down. The writing is just so-so most tell me, but the characters and story are intensely compelling.

The sex they insist, is secondary.

This has got to be the Her version of “I only read Penthouse for the articles.” There are shelves of well-written novels ripe with titillating erotica but those haven’t stayed on the New York Times Bestseller list nearly as long as Shades.

“Perhaps what I’m sensing is collective titillation denial. I haven’t heard a single one of my friends admit she wants to be Anastasia Steele (if only for one night). But then again, I’ve never asked. “Sexuality that is simultaneously forbidden and commanded both terrifies and titillates,” explains Wendy Strgar, loveologist and CEO at Good Clean Love in her article, “Fifty Shades of Erotic Consciousness” (Whole Life Times, April-May 2015).

My guess is we don’t know exactly why we’re drawn to Shades. Self-denial, at least in part, stems from the muzzle of shame we put on women and sexuality. “I’m not even sure where my own judgments and those of society begin and end,” writes Delaine Moore, author of the Secret Sex Life of a Single Mom. “Nice” girls don’t use whips, they also don’t lay back on the bed blindfolded and handcuffed or strap on leathers, although I’d guess plenty of men and women secretly wish they did.

“In too many ways to name, Fifty Shades of Grey reflects our sexual fantasies and anxieties,” explains Strgar…“Perhaps our collective attention on a sexual fantasy that cuts to the core of the human pleasure/pain dichotomy will help blaze a trail to an awakened erotic life of our own in which consent and curiosity reveal doorways to our capacity for sexual healing pleasure.”

Many women are silently drawn towards forbidden doors of sexuality yet when we discuss sex with friends we tend to retreat into the safety of nervous laughter, silence or we shame other women to protect our own uncomfortable curiosity.

Last year at a party I asked my friend Taylor why she read the Shades series. I knew of anyone she was the most likely to tell the whole truth. In a loud voice she told me that besides the interesting characters and intriguing back story about “how Grey got that way,” the books made her “hot!” I believed her but I also knew she artificially emphasized the word “hot” just to irritate Elise who was standing nearby.

Elise is in her forties, married and sometimes when she drinks too much she casually flirts with a husband or two, nothing overtly offensive or flagrant, just one too many compliments or some mild dirty dancing. What’s ironic however, is Elise announced to a group of friends one night that “Unlike most women she knows” she doesn’t like talking about sex so “don’t expect me to join in.” One afternoon in a private petty moment I told Taylor. Like me Taylor doesn’t appreciate being scolded by the self-appointed morality police but unlike me, she’ll quickly call B.S.

“I haven’t read Shades and I won’t” Elise said after she heard Taylor. “You haven’t either Laura, right? We might be the only two left.”

I told her no I hadn’t read the books but only because I don’t read much fiction and that I didn’t think there was anything wrong with every woman in the world reading Shades, including by the way, the First Lady.

Elise’s disgust with sex talk while she sometimes casually flirts with married men speaks to the 150 shades of ambivalence we all have about women, our sexuality and the confused definition of power that comes with both.

My husband insists women’s fascination with the submission-power themes in Shades is a real feminist dilemma. His theory I told him, was ridiculous. If some women get turned on by voluntary sexual submission this doesn’t imply that hidden within our gender’s evolutionary roots sits a desire to be dominated by men and so women must only be pretending to want equality.

The fact is, the bedroom and the boardroom are worlds apart.

Consider the successful well-respected male CEO who dons a diaper for his dominatrix every weekend. If somehow we discovered his sexual secret we might wonder why but we wouldn’t assume his tastes revealed a universal male longing to return to infantilism, nor would we strip him of his identity, intelligence, or corporate authority.

Women and men’s identities at home, at work and in the bedroom won’t ever fit neatly inside box office generalizations. The truth is people involved in the BDSM community including sex therapist Gloria Brame Ph.D, author of Different Loving, aren’t big fans of Fifty Shades of Grey because it’s unrealistic (Sollee. K. (2014, August). 5 Major Myths About BDSM. Women’s Health).  Shades depicts main character Anastasia psychologically pressured into BDSM while by extension her lover Christian controls other aspects of their relationship until they spiral into codependence.

In real world BDSM explains Brame, it’s all about consensual sex play and exploring what you do and don’t like. BDSM doesn’t assume men dominate nor is every one into every BDSM practice such as spanking, dressing in leather or bondage. Like “regular” sex where interests range from missionary to kinky, BDSM interests run the spectrum. “The question is balancing your own morality with your sexuality so you find the right combination for you,” explains Brame.

As ambivalent as we might feel about a woman enjoying pain or bondage in the bedroom while still insisting on “normalcy” and control in other areas of her life, a healthy relationship with our self and with our mate doesn’t demand we reconcile the two arenas. Sex between two consenting adults doesn’t need to mirror the world outside the bedroom, that’s why it’s called fantasy.

Perhaps the mainstream popularity of Shades (despite how unrealistic) is helping shift our consciousness about female sexuality and gender expectations. Perhaps we can move from labeling BDSM as an all or nothing “perverted” fetish reserved for the “slutty” or fringe “underworld,” to an open conversation about how sexual tastes are as individual as the individual, rather than a reflection of one’s moral “goodness” in society.

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Let’s be honest, intimacy after physical relations can often be difficult for couples.  Whether dating for five months or married for five years, couples often struggle with finding the time and energy to make meaningful conversation post-orgasm.  For some, nodding off after sex seems to be the logical next step, but scientists have recently discovered that pillow talk might just be the key to a successful relationship. 

To get the conversation going, we sat down with psychology professor Dr. Daniel Kruger and his team of researchers from the University of Michigan to help explain their study of love’s lost art. After questioning nearly 500 heterosexual individuals through online surveys about sleep patterns with their partner, researchers found the participants’ desire for emotional bonding was greatest when their partner fell asleep first. 

Dr. Kruger stated: “The potential for bonding and sharing may be at its peak in the post-coital period, yet it also may be a stressful time if one is not getting the desired levels of emotional connection and signals of commitment.”

“Both women and men were more satisfied with their ‘Post-Coital Time Interval’ experiences when their partners were providing stronger signals of bonding and commitment. Those higher in attachment avoidance were less interested in talking about relationship issues after sex than their partner.”

Dr. Kruger added that both men and women were less satisfied when they desired greater signals of bonding and commitment than their partner was giving.

This body of research, however, did not confirm the age-old myth that men fall asleep before women post-orgasm. Research did suggest that men who in fact do fall asleep before their partner may use this tactic as a way to evade conversations about commitment. Conversely, women felt a strong need to sleep alongside their partner as a strategy to decrease their chance of being left for someone else. Dr. Kruger suggests that couples struggling with post-coitus conversation take subtle steps with carefully phrased requests such as “I really love it when you hold me afterwards” or “Would you cuddle with me?”

“If one party still is not interested and will not make an effort, this could be a sign of a lack of real interest in the relationship,” Dr. Kruger added.

To learn more about Dr. Kruger and his research on pillow talk, please visit  http://www-personal.umich.edu/~kruger/Kruger_Hughes_Sleep_2011.pdf

The post After The Lovin’: The Psychology of Pillow Talk appeared first on AKAMom Magazine.

Summer’s here and school’s out. What’s that mean for you? Busy, busy, busy with the kids—pool parties and barbecues, beach days and family vacations. Finding time to be intimate can be difficult. But it can happen. This summer, take a moment to remind your man you haven’t forgotten about him. We asked three exotic dancers from the documentary STRIPPED to share their secrets with other moms about how they keep things steamy in the bedroom during the busy days of summer.

According to Angel, “Be spontaneous and don’t be afraid to try something new. Be confident and tease him. Make sure you’re wearing something that’s comfortable for you, but that also makes you feel sexy. Direct eye contact shows you’re in control.” Additionally, Angel says, “Consider adding things for fun—such as handcuffs, or even wearing a tie. And touch yourself, like your breasts.” What is Angel’s favorite seductive move? “Doing a hand stand and resting my thighs on his shoulders, then shaking my butt and legs. He loves to be teased!”

From Chanel, “I think the most seductive move is to sit on his lap, with your back to him. Move slow and sexy, like you’re dancing to music in a club. Turn and look at him and remove your bra with one hand, then lean back. Toss one arm around his neck and kiss it gently, all the while still moving your butt against his lap. This move always gets him!”

For Emilie, there’s just one move that drives her man nuts. “I slide my breasts all the way down his body, and then I look up at him. He loves it!”

The exotic dancers in STRIPPED all live and work in various small cities throughout Montana. The documentary follows their lives—both at work and at home—with the goal of raising awareness to hopefully prevent the unfair prejudices toward these women, many of them working mothers.

For more information about STRIPPED and to help support the project, please visit  www.strippeddocu.com

The post From Seduction Experts: Keeping it Hot in the Bedroom this Summer appeared first on AKAMom Magazine.

It’s time to ask the question that most women are afraid to ask.  Are you satisfied with your sex life?  Be honest with yourself, it’s OK!  Between work, raising the kids and maintaining the house, it can be hard to give your sex life the attention that it deserves.  What is even worse, we often use sex as a weapon in arguments.  We use it to reward “good” behavior and we withhold it to punish “bad” behavior.  The problem is that when we withhold sex as a punishment, we start a negative spiral that can be detrimental to our relationships.

It is a common scenario; the hubby is once again glued to the TV while you’re busting your butt trying to chisel away at the never-ending list of things that need to be done.  As a result, when he tries to make a move later that night, you are quick to shut him down.  This only creates animosity that builds over time causing both an increase in the less-than-favorable behavior and a decrease in sex.  You end up fighting against each other rather than working together.  Sound familiar?

One working mom has discovered the solution!  Carolyn Evans found a simple method that helped her own marriage and is now out to help couples across the country.  What is her secret to marital success?  The secret is the method that she calls The 40 Beads.  “A man has to have sex to feel close, and a woman has to feel close to want to have sex with him,” says Evans.  The Beads take away the tension and animosity that can build around sex.  The women places a small bowl (or “beadcatcher”) near her bed and gives her husband the beads.  When he places a bead in to the beadcatcher it means that the couple will have sex within the next 24 hours.  So how does this translate to a better relationship?

When the man places the bead in to the bead catcher, and he knows what is going to happen very soon, there are a few changes that go on in his brain.  First off, he becomes filled with anticipation and excitement.  Since these feelings are focused completely on his wife, he feels closer and more positively towards her.  As a result, he acts more loving and attentive to his wife’s needs, causing her to be more receptive to his sexual needs.  Instead of the negative cycle that used to happen, this is just the opposite!  What you are left with is a fun approach to sex that satisfies both partner’s wants and needs.  When your relationship strengthens in the bedroom, the results can be seen in all other areas too!

Although the method is simple in practice, it’s profound in results.  Women all around the country are singing the praises of the Beads saying that it has given them the sex life and the strong relationship that they have always wanted!  If you are ready to stop fighting against your partner and try something constructive and fun it’s time for the Beads.  

To learn how to improve your relationship by improving your sex life, pick up Forty Beads: The Simple Sexy Secret for Transforming Your Marriage.

The post Forget about 50 Shades, We’re Talking 40 Beads appeared first on AKAMom Magazine.

I was in a sexless marriage for over ten years.  I still can’t believe that I can admit that so easily!  When I was in this situation (which is defined as having sex less than once a month) I never told a soul – not even my best girlfriend.  I was afraid that she would laugh at me, pity me, or tell me I had to break up with my husband – none of which I wanted to hear.  I was generally happy with most aspects of our relationship so I didn’t want to rock the boat by demanding that things changed in the bedroom.  We were best friends and soul mates.  If you had seen us at a party together, we would probably be the last couple that you thought had problems in the bedroom – we shared the same interests in books and movies, we had similar senses of humor, we were two peas in a pod so to speak.  But …if you had looked closer at us, as some friends told me later, you would have noticed that there was very little physical contact between us – no holding hands, no nuzzling together, no kisses on the neck or lips in public. That’s the first step down the road to the Roommate Syndrome – when couples start acting more like friends than lovers.  And you can be both, you know.

What happens when couples live together can be a slow de-sexualization of our view one another.  That’s when you spoon and cuddle on the couch, but it rarely leads to full-blown sexual passion.  But isn’t it just the normal process of a long-term relationship?  No, it’s not and it doesn’t have to be this way.  I have received so many e-mails from readers who have told me our book has helped them immensely – just by changing a few simple daily habits you can unleash the sexual chemistry again.  I don’t have space here to go into all of the habits that need to be changed if you want to get out of the roommate syndrome, but here are a few. 

1). Get rid of the cutesy pet names and start speaking to each other as adults again.  Words are important and they can get you in the mood much better than any lingerie can. If you haven’t called your partner by his name in ages, try it.  It’s adult, it can be sexual, and it will put his head in a different place. A more sexual place than “pookie” or “papa bear!”

2).  Start touching each other before you get in the bedroom.  In fact, you should be making some kind of physical contact all day long. When I was in my sexless marriage, I was appalled at how so many books recommended things to do “in the bedroom” – but in reality you need to feel sexual before you get in that room. Long before.  Hold hands, kiss on the lips, French kiss, touch each other’s necks – all these things will make you feel more sexual towards each other.

3).  Close the bathroom door.  More sex lives are ruined by bad bathroom behavior than you can imagine.  It builds resentment, it’s a general turn off and it’s a visual you don’t need to think about when you’re in bed later.  So if you didn’t leave the bathroom door open in the beginning of your relationship, then why are you doing it now?

4).  Don’t spend every minute together and make sure you have some separate friends and separate activities. Why?  Because when you only socialize together there’s no mystery and no excitement with each other.  You don’t need to play games – just don’t do everything together. This creates boredom and boredom is never good for sex.

5).  Remember to love the one you’re with – I’m talking about you, ladies!  If your self esteem is low when you get naked, how are you going to turn him on, and more importantly, how are you going to turn yourself on?  Look at your body in the mirror at least once a day. Your body is beautiful just the way it is. Trust me, he’ll think so if you think so.

Unfortunately, my marriage eventually broke up because of the roommate syndrome.  Like many couples caught in this painful and confusing place, it took its toll on our marriage and was its undoing.  So take the advice of someone who has been there.  You’re not alone, trust me.  There are more couples living like this than you can imagine. The good news is that you can get out of it. Start with a few little daily changes and you’ll see some results immediately. Isn’t your marriage worth it?

By Maggie Arana

Co-author of “Stop Calling Him Honey …. And Start Having Sex!”

The post The Roommate Syndrome appeared first on AKAMom Magazine.