Millions of women around the world are devouring Fifty Shades of Grey, but before our fascination with Christian Grey, the controlling billionaire who lures a virgin co-ed into his Red Room of Pain, was our blood lust for the immortal men of Twilight, Vampire Diaries and True Blood.

Yet, unlike our thirst for vampire erotica, something unspoken lies beneath our hunger for the forbidden themes in Shades, something in our collective psyche about female sexuality we need to unwrap and destigmatize.

But first I need to confess.

I haven’t read Fifty Shades of Grey or seen the movie but not because I’m squeamish or judgmental about anyone who watches or engages in BDSM. What ever sexual exploration turns someone on is fine with me as long as it’s physically and emotionally consensual, and doesn’t lead a woman down a pathway of codependence or self-loathing.

For the most part I almost never read fiction and I haven’t gotten around to the seeing the movie although the movie’s been out long enough for me to get around to it. I guess I can’t picture myself sitting next to my husband or friends in a packed theatre of voyeurs while blindfolded Anastasia groans in a convoluted blend of pleasure and pain. I also can’t bear the thought of watching Shades on pay-per-view in case my 17 year old daughter wanders into the family room and my pause finger freezes on a bondage scene.

Apparently in order for me to feel comfortable watching Shades I need to create my own permissive atmosphere at home, with my husband and out of ear and eye shot of my nearly grown daughter. What this says about me likely reflects how our society still handles women’s sexuality in general, that is, with confusion.

Friends I ask about the book are quick to admit they’ve read Shades, even women who appear (by my stereotypical lens) uber conservative and wouldn’t be caught dead discussing even your vanilla varieties of sex. When the book series came out nearly every woman I knew had it on her bedside table.

About three years ago a group of women and I took a limo to celebrate a friend’s birthday. In between champagne and shots I asked the group what they thought about Fifty Shades of Grey (almost everyone had read at least one book in the series). I ask women all the time and no one evades the question but they do quickly sum up why they can’t put the book down. The writing is just so-so most tell me, but the characters and story are intensely compelling.

The sex they insist, is secondary.

This has got to be the Her version of “I only read Penthouse for the articles.” There are shelves of well-written novels ripe with titillating erotica but those haven’t stayed on the New York Times Bestseller list nearly as long as Shades.

“Perhaps what I’m sensing is collective titillation denial. I haven’t heard a single one of my friends admit she wants to be Anastasia Steele (if only for one night). But then again, I’ve never asked. “Sexuality that is simultaneously forbidden and commanded both terrifies and titillates,” explains Wendy Strgar, loveologist and CEO at Good Clean Love in her article, “Fifty Shades of Erotic Consciousness” (Whole Life Times, April-May 2015).

My guess is we don’t know exactly why we’re drawn to Shades. Self-denial, at least in part, stems from the muzzle of shame we put on women and sexuality. “I’m not even sure where my own judgments and those of society begin and end,” writes Delaine Moore, author of the Secret Sex Life of a Single Mom. “Nice” girls don’t use whips, they also don’t lay back on the bed blindfolded and handcuffed or strap on leathers, although I’d guess plenty of men and women secretly wish they did.

“In too many ways to name, Fifty Shades of Grey reflects our sexual fantasies and anxieties,” explains Strgar…“Perhaps our collective attention on a sexual fantasy that cuts to the core of the human pleasure/pain dichotomy will help blaze a trail to an awakened erotic life of our own in which consent and curiosity reveal doorways to our capacity for sexual healing pleasure.”

Many women are silently drawn towards forbidden doors of sexuality yet when we discuss sex with friends we tend to retreat into the safety of nervous laughter, silence or we shame other women to protect our own uncomfortable curiosity.

Last year at a party I asked my friend Taylor why she read the Shades series. I knew of anyone she was the most likely to tell the whole truth. In a loud voice she told me that besides the interesting characters and intriguing back story about “how Grey got that way,” the books made her “hot!” I believed her but I also knew she artificially emphasized the word “hot” just to irritate Elise who was standing nearby.

Elise is in her forties, married and sometimes when she drinks too much she casually flirts with a husband or two, nothing overtly offensive or flagrant, just one too many compliments or some mild dirty dancing. What’s ironic however, is Elise announced to a group of friends one night that “Unlike most women she knows” she doesn’t like talking about sex so “don’t expect me to join in.” One afternoon in a private petty moment I told Taylor. Like me Taylor doesn’t appreciate being scolded by the self-appointed morality police but unlike me, she’ll quickly call B.S.

“I haven’t read Shades and I won’t” Elise said after she heard Taylor. “You haven’t either Laura, right? We might be the only two left.”

I told her no I hadn’t read the books but only because I don’t read much fiction and that I didn’t think there was anything wrong with every woman in the world reading Shades, including by the way, the First Lady.

Elise’s disgust with sex talk while she sometimes casually flirts with married men speaks to the 150 shades of ambivalence we all have about women, our sexuality and the confused definition of power that comes with both.

My husband insists women’s fascination with the submission-power themes in Shades is a real feminist dilemma. His theory I told him, was ridiculous. If some women get turned on by voluntary sexual submission this doesn’t imply that hidden within our gender’s evolutionary roots sits a desire to be dominated by men and so women must only be pretending to want equality.

The fact is, the bedroom and the boardroom are worlds apart.

Consider the successful well-respected male CEO who dons a diaper for his dominatrix every weekend. If somehow we discovered his sexual secret we might wonder why but we wouldn’t assume his tastes revealed a universal male longing to return to infantilism, nor would we strip him of his identity, intelligence, or corporate authority.

Women and men’s identities at home, at work and in the bedroom won’t ever fit neatly inside box office generalizations. The truth is people involved in the BDSM community including sex therapist Gloria Brame Ph.D, author of Different Loving, aren’t big fans of Fifty Shades of Grey because it’s unrealistic (Sollee. K. (2014, August). 5 Major Myths About BDSM. Women’s Health).  Shades depicts main character Anastasia psychologically pressured into BDSM while by extension her lover Christian controls other aspects of their relationship until they spiral into codependence.

In real world BDSM explains Brame, it’s all about consensual sex play and exploring what you do and don’t like. BDSM doesn’t assume men dominate nor is every one into every BDSM practice such as spanking, dressing in leather or bondage. Like “regular” sex where interests range from missionary to kinky, BDSM interests run the spectrum. “The question is balancing your own morality with your sexuality so you find the right combination for you,” explains Brame.

As ambivalent as we might feel about a woman enjoying pain or bondage in the bedroom while still insisting on “normalcy” and control in other areas of her life, a healthy relationship with our self and with our mate doesn’t demand we reconcile the two arenas. Sex between two consenting adults doesn’t need to mirror the world outside the bedroom, that’s why it’s called fantasy.

Perhaps the mainstream popularity of Shades (despite how unrealistic) is helping shift our consciousness about female sexuality and gender expectations. Perhaps we can move from labeling BDSM as an all or nothing “perverted” fetish reserved for the “slutty” or fringe “underworld,” to an open conversation about how sexual tastes are as individual as the individual, rather than a reflection of one’s moral “goodness” in society.

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Parents, before reading this, do yourselves a quick favor and do a 360 turn in your chair to make sure no teenagers are within view of this article. Trust us, you don’t want them knowing that sex is one of the best ways to boost brain power…unless of course you no longer want to pay for their weekly math tutor.

That’s right, making regular whoopee not only improves cognitive functions, but also hippocampal functions which can help prevent dementia and long term memory loss.

Allow us to enlighten you.

Located under the cerebral cortex of the human brain is the hippocampus, a central hub or filing cabinet, if you will, for spatial and episodic memory. In a study conducted in 2010 at the University of Maryland, a team of researchers concluded that sexual experience causes cell growth in this region of the brain.

While the research method isn’t all too sexy, the results sure had us curling our toes with excitement. Scientists at the University of Maryland (along with those at Princeton University) found conclusive evidence in their experiment with lab rodents that suggest sexually active rats seemed less anxious than virgins, along with evidence that proved rats that had more sex also had more adult brain cell growth.

This data derived from scientists who gave adult male rats access to sexually receptive females either once daily for two weeks or just once in two weeks. The latter, unfortunately, showed elevated levels of stress hormones, while the rats that enjoyed regular mating showed no increase in the hormones.

Scientists are suggesting from their research that while stress hormones can be harmful to the brain, these effects can be overridden if whatever experience that triggered them were pleasant.

Long story short, folks: sex defeats stress, boosts brain power and can prevent mental disorders that come naturally with old age.  Sounds like three solid reasons to call the babysitter tonight, doesn’t it?!

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Let’s be honest, intimacy after physical relations can often be difficult for couples.  Whether dating for five months or married for five years, couples often struggle with finding the time and energy to make meaningful conversation post-orgasm.  For some, nodding off after sex seems to be the logical next step, but scientists have recently discovered that pillow talk might just be the key to a successful relationship. 

To get the conversation going, we sat down with psychology professor Dr. Daniel Kruger and his team of researchers from the University of Michigan to help explain their study of love’s lost art. After questioning nearly 500 heterosexual individuals through online surveys about sleep patterns with their partner, researchers found the participants’ desire for emotional bonding was greatest when their partner fell asleep first. 

Dr. Kruger stated: “The potential for bonding and sharing may be at its peak in the post-coital period, yet it also may be a stressful time if one is not getting the desired levels of emotional connection and signals of commitment.”

“Both women and men were more satisfied with their ‘Post-Coital Time Interval’ experiences when their partners were providing stronger signals of bonding and commitment. Those higher in attachment avoidance were less interested in talking about relationship issues after sex than their partner.”

Dr. Kruger added that both men and women were less satisfied when they desired greater signals of bonding and commitment than their partner was giving.

This body of research, however, did not confirm the age-old myth that men fall asleep before women post-orgasm. Research did suggest that men who in fact do fall asleep before their partner may use this tactic as a way to evade conversations about commitment. Conversely, women felt a strong need to sleep alongside their partner as a strategy to decrease their chance of being left for someone else. Dr. Kruger suggests that couples struggling with post-coitus conversation take subtle steps with carefully phrased requests such as “I really love it when you hold me afterwards” or “Would you cuddle with me?”

“If one party still is not interested and will not make an effort, this could be a sign of a lack of real interest in the relationship,” Dr. Kruger added.

To learn more about Dr. Kruger and his research on pillow talk, please visit  http://www-personal.umich.edu/~kruger/Kruger_Hughes_Sleep_2011.pdf

The post After The Lovin’: The Psychology of Pillow Talk appeared first on AKAMom Magazine.

Summer’s here and school’s out. What’s that mean for you? Busy, busy, busy with the kids—pool parties and barbecues, beach days and family vacations. Finding time to be intimate can be difficult. But it can happen. This summer, take a moment to remind your man you haven’t forgotten about him. We asked three exotic dancers from the documentary STRIPPED to share their secrets with other moms about how they keep things steamy in the bedroom during the busy days of summer.

According to Angel, “Be spontaneous and don’t be afraid to try something new. Be confident and tease him. Make sure you’re wearing something that’s comfortable for you, but that also makes you feel sexy. Direct eye contact shows you’re in control.” Additionally, Angel says, “Consider adding things for fun—such as handcuffs, or even wearing a tie. And touch yourself, like your breasts.” What is Angel’s favorite seductive move? “Doing a hand stand and resting my thighs on his shoulders, then shaking my butt and legs. He loves to be teased!”

From Chanel, “I think the most seductive move is to sit on his lap, with your back to him. Move slow and sexy, like you’re dancing to music in a club. Turn and look at him and remove your bra with one hand, then lean back. Toss one arm around his neck and kiss it gently, all the while still moving your butt against his lap. This move always gets him!”

For Emilie, there’s just one move that drives her man nuts. “I slide my breasts all the way down his body, and then I look up at him. He loves it!”

The exotic dancers in STRIPPED all live and work in various small cities throughout Montana. The documentary follows their lives—both at work and at home—with the goal of raising awareness to hopefully prevent the unfair prejudices toward these women, many of them working mothers.

For more information about STRIPPED and to help support the project, please visit  www.strippeddocu.com

The post From Seduction Experts: Keeping it Hot in the Bedroom this Summer appeared first on AKAMom Magazine.

It’s time to ask the question that most women are afraid to ask.  Are you satisfied with your sex life?  Be honest with yourself, it’s OK!  Between work, raising the kids and maintaining the house, it can be hard to give your sex life the attention that it deserves.  What is even worse, we often use sex as a weapon in arguments.  We use it to reward “good” behavior and we withhold it to punish “bad” behavior.  The problem is that when we withhold sex as a punishment, we start a negative spiral that can be detrimental to our relationships.

It is a common scenario; the hubby is once again glued to the TV while you’re busting your butt trying to chisel away at the never-ending list of things that need to be done.  As a result, when he tries to make a move later that night, you are quick to shut him down.  This only creates animosity that builds over time causing both an increase in the less-than-favorable behavior and a decrease in sex.  You end up fighting against each other rather than working together.  Sound familiar?

One working mom has discovered the solution!  Carolyn Evans found a simple method that helped her own marriage and is now out to help couples across the country.  What is her secret to marital success?  The secret is the method that she calls The 40 Beads.  “A man has to have sex to feel close, and a woman has to feel close to want to have sex with him,” says Evans.  The Beads take away the tension and animosity that can build around sex.  The women places a small bowl (or “beadcatcher”) near her bed and gives her husband the beads.  When he places a bead in to the beadcatcher it means that the couple will have sex within the next 24 hours.  So how does this translate to a better relationship?

When the man places the bead in to the bead catcher, and he knows what is going to happen very soon, there are a few changes that go on in his brain.  First off, he becomes filled with anticipation and excitement.  Since these feelings are focused completely on his wife, he feels closer and more positively towards her.  As a result, he acts more loving and attentive to his wife’s needs, causing her to be more receptive to his sexual needs.  Instead of the negative cycle that used to happen, this is just the opposite!  What you are left with is a fun approach to sex that satisfies both partner’s wants and needs.  When your relationship strengthens in the bedroom, the results can be seen in all other areas too!

Although the method is simple in practice, it’s profound in results.  Women all around the country are singing the praises of the Beads saying that it has given them the sex life and the strong relationship that they have always wanted!  If you are ready to stop fighting against your partner and try something constructive and fun it’s time for the Beads.  

To learn how to improve your relationship by improving your sex life, pick up Forty Beads: The Simple Sexy Secret for Transforming Your Marriage.

The post Forget about 50 Shades, We’re Talking 40 Beads appeared first on AKAMom Magazine.

Oh my God, I am so paranoid. I just can’t seem to escape it. Might as well go ahead and write on my tombstone:

Loving mom, dedicated friend,

Had sex with two different men in one weekend.

Devoted her life to worrying about it.

But now that a few days had past since last weekend’s promiscuity, my mind was at war with itself and my body. Why the heck did I call it “promiscuity” anyway? I hated that word. It was so judgmental and, well, limiting. Why couldn’t I think of it as “sexual exploration”? Yes, that sounded way more empowering.

Where had this shrill, paranoid voice inside my head come from? Was it high school? Man, I perseverate! I thought back 23 years to that crazy self-defining time when I heard whispered rumors about “so and so” being a slut. Talk was vicious and spread like wildfire. No one had a clue how to keep a secret at that age, and once a girl was labelled, she was marked for good.

High school may have acted as a launch pad for my beliefs, but they were most certainly reinforced and drilled home afterward. In university, the workplace, the neighbourhood, bars, sometimes even family gatherings, talk about “some woman” was bound to get cheap. It still did.

I’d naively assumed that the popularity of TV shows like Sex in the City and Desperate Housewives indicated that times had changed, that women could be seen as respectable and moral and sexual beings. But on closer look, that’s really wasn’t the case at all, was it? We still held our breaths when our favourite characters fell into bed with yet another man. They could only make so many mistakes. We still judged their actions: warranted? Or inexcusably whorish?

Then, there were the full-blown slut characters that we loved to hate. Look at Super Slut Samantha Jones who unapologetically “has sex like a man.” Carrie and the gang were ahead of the rest of us, accepting and loving and valuing her despite and because of her sexual lifestyle. But how many women would frown and whisper behind her back as soon as she left the table? Or even invited her to lunch in the first place?

And because I’m not just a woman, but a Divorced Mom, the harsh judgments potentially cast my way scare me to death. After all, “decent” divorced mothers should never engage in casual sex, right? Otherwise these women are loose, irresponsible, unfit mothers: the stereotype “divorcee.” That’s right; the insidious “D” word. Better lock up your husbands, ladies. No — decent divorced mothers should only want a serious relationship. And they better get on that quick, because with each year that passes, they’re apt to grow more bitter and undesirable and desperate. They are women with cargo. Women who failed. Women who didn’t deserve any better. Spit.

I’m not even sure where my own judgments and those of society begin and end. All I know is that I never dreamed of waking up at this point in my life as a single mother of three. But reality dose: Here I am! And contrary to what any rulebooks may say, I know beyond any morsel of doubt that I’m not “dried up” and dead! Why can’t society trust me to be a good mother (amongst many other things), and allow me to be in charge of my own sexuality? Why should my “adventures,” which are helping me to heal, grow, and transform during a radical period of change, be a source of embarrassment or shame?

“We have to be careful about who we discuss our dating lives with,” my best friend Hali who was also divorcing, had warned me a month back. “You and I want to talk about this stuff because it’s exciting and scary and we’re suddenly single again. And we naturally assume that the people we love will understand us. But the truth is, most people can’t relate to it.”

Her warning had come after a conversation she’d had with her close, long-time friend Megan over lunch one day. Hali, accustomed to being open and honest with her, was rambling on about a 29-year-old man she’d met at a bar. The more she talked, the more she became aware of the disapproval in her friend’s eyes. When she’d confronted Megan about it, her friend replied defensively, “But I’m not judging you! You know I love you.”

“Yes you are!” Hali responded. “I can see it in your eyes! We all filter information through our own experiences and then judge it. And you are a dear friend who has three kids and has been happily married for 15 years and you are looking at and judging my situation through your set of glasses! I can feel it.”

Ultimately, her friend agreed to disagree, and conversation around dating was indefinitely shut down.

I heeded Hali’s warning, but I already knew to restrict who I told of my escapades — I’d felt my own pangs of caution last summer when I’d met with my “married mom-friends” at a local pub. They were so curious about what single life looked like for a woman of our age. But my intuition kept telling me to be cautious; they were judging me, consciously or not.

It’s the difference between not having kids, but having an opinion about motherhood. Having wild sex with multiple partners after separation isn’t a pair of shoes most have walked in, and sexual promiscuity is a contentious zone to begin with; it could be hot and juicy, yet still trigger judgement, even moral outrage. Even if the listener is a lovely friend — a strong, mature, independent mother and career woman — her ethical boundaries around sex could be rigid and unforgiving. And I don’t want to be the next candidate up for a stoning.

*Excerpt from the book “The Secret Sex Life of a Single Mom”

Author Bio:

Delaine Moore is a Mars Venus Coach, speaker, journalist, and the fiery voice behind the popular blog, IAmDivorcedNotDead.com, where she unabashedly gets down to the good, bad and “naughty” of life after divorce. Delaine writes for The Huffington Post, Your Tango, and First Wives World’s and has appeared on radio and television shows throughout North America. Her memoir, The Secret Sex Life of a Single Mom, has already attracted the attention of Anderson Cooper, The View, and the Today show. Delaine lives in Calgary, Alberta with her three kids.

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