It usually doesn’t start with a dramatic fight.

It starts with a sigh.

A short answer.
A missed text.
A “Can you just handle it?”

And suddenly the house feels heavy.

Not because you stopped loving each other.

But because you are both running on fumes.

For many couples, the biggest strain on marriage after kids is not betrayal, incompatibility, or explosive arguments. It is exhaustion. Chronic, layered, unrelenting exhaustion.

And exhaustion changes everything.

The Quiet Shift From Lovers to Logistics Managers

Before kids, you had space. Space to talk. Space to miss each other. Space to recover after a disagreement.

After kids, especially in the early years, you become operators.

Schedules.
Meals.
Bath time.
Bedtime.
Work deadlines.
School emails.
Soccer practice.

Conversations start sounding like staff meetings.

“Did you sign that form?”
“Who’s picking her up?”
“Did you call the pediatrician?”

Romance does not usually disappear in a dramatic crash. It erodes quietly under the weight of coordination.

The shift from intimacy to logistics is subtle. But it is powerful.

Why Tired Couples Feel More Irritable

When you are sleep deprived or mentally overloaded, your nervous system is already on edge. Your brain has less capacity for patience, empathy, and thoughtful response.

Small issues feel bigger. Neutral comments sound critical. A forgotten task feels personal.

You snap faster.
You assume worse.
You defend quicker.

Exhaustion lowers your emotional buffer.

It is not that you suddenly disagree on core values. It is that your bodies are stressed, your minds are cluttered, and your margin is gone.

And when margin disappears, grace often goes with it.

The Myth That Conflict Is the Biggest Threat

Many couples panic when they argue more after kids. They assume increased tension means something is fundamentally wrong.

But conflict is not always the real issue.

Disconnection is.

Exhausted couples often stop checking in emotionally. They function side by side instead of together. They survive the day rather than share it.

It can look like distance.
It can feel like rejection.

But often, it is depletion.

When you are depleted, connection requires effort you may not feel like you have.

The Mental Load Factor

One of the biggest tension points in modern marriages is the invisible mental load.

Who remembers the dentist appointments?
Who keeps track of teacher emails?
Who notices when shoes are too small?
Who plans birthdays?

Even when tasks are shared, the anticipation and planning often sit heavier on one partner. That imbalance, especially when combined with exhaustion, quietly builds resentment.

Not explosive resentment.

Just a slow simmer.

And when you are tired, that simmer rises faster.

What Actually Helps

Here is the hopeful part.

If exhaustion is part of the problem, it is also part of the solution.

First, normalize the season. The early parenting years are intense. The middle years are busy. The teen years are emotionally demanding. Each stage brings its own fatigue. Recognizing that stress is seasonal can reduce panic.

Second, lower the bar strategically. Not for your marriage, but for everything else. Perfect house, elaborate meals, constant commitments. Trim where you can. Energy is finite.

Third, communicate energy levels instead of accusations. There is a difference between “You never help” and “I am running on empty today.” One triggers defense. The other invites partnership.

Fourth, protect small pockets of connection. Not elaborate date nights that require babysitters and planning stress. Five minutes of undistracted conversation. Sitting together after the kids go to bed instead of scrolling separately. A hug that lasts longer than two seconds.

Connection does not always require grand gestures. It requires intentional presence.

Finally, divide mental load openly. Not in a frustrated blow up, but in a calm audit. What is each person carrying? What feels heavy? What can shift?

Clarity reduces resentment.

Drawing a Line Between Fatigue and Something Deeper

It is also important to pause here.

Exhaustion explains a lot. It does not explain everything.

If there are patterns of disrespect, emotional withdrawal, chronic dishonesty, addiction, or abuse, those issues require more than extra sleep and better scheduling. They require serious attention and sometimes outside support.

But for many couples who find themselves saying, “We love each other. We’re just tired,” the core of the relationship is still intact.

It is simply buried under laundry piles, calendar alerts, and unfinished to do lists.

And that is a very different starting point than a broken foundation.

This Season Is Not the Whole Story

Marriage after kids is different.

It is less spontaneous.
It is more practical.
It is louder.

But it can also be deeper.

Shared struggle builds resilience. Surviving hard seasons together strengthens partnership. Raising humans together creates a bond that dating never could.

The goal is not to get back to pre-kid marriage. That version of you no longer exists.

The goal is to build the next version.

One where you acknowledge the exhaustion instead of blaming each other for it.

One where tired does not automatically mean disconnected.

Because sometimes the most honest thing you can say is not “We are drifting apart.”

It is simply, “We are exhausted.”

And that is something you can work with.

The post We Love Each Other. We’re Just Tired. appeared first on AKAMom Magazine.

You are both moving forward. Just not in the same direction.

And no one did anything wrong.

At first, it is subtle. You text less often. The conversations that once felt effortless now require more context. The things that feel urgent in your world feel distant in theirs. You are deep in one reality while they are navigating another.

You talk about preschool waitlists. They talk about spontaneous travel. You are calculating bedtime. They are calculating brunch reservations. You both try to show interest. You both genuinely care. But something feels slightly off.

It is not conflict. It is misalignment.

One of the hardest parts is when conversations start to feel like translations. You are describing your day and realize halfway through that it does not fully land. They are sharing something meaningful and you nod, but you cannot fully access the emotional weight of it because your daily experience looks so different now.

There is empathy. But it takes effort.

We grow up believing that the closest friendships are permanent fixtures. If someone is your person at twenty-three, they will be your person at forty. But adulthood does not move in straight lines. It curves and loops and pulls people into different seasons at different times.

Marriage. Divorce. Kids. Career pivots. Relocations. Health scares. Caregiving. Reinvention.

Each shift subtly reshapes who we are and what fills our days. Not every friendship can stretch comfortably across every version of you.

Sometimes you are the one who changed. You respond more slowly. You stop sharing as openly. You feel like explaining your life requires too much background. You worry that they think you are boring now, or you quietly think they feel chaotic. Then you feel guilty for even thinking that.

That guilt is part of the drift too.

Resentment can creep in quietly as well. You feel frustrated that they do not understand your time constraints. They feel frustrated that you are always unavailable. Nobody says it directly. Instead, everyone grows a little more careful, a little more distant.

Drift is rarely loud. It usually shows up as longer gaps between contact and fewer spontaneous moments of connection.

The reality is that adult friendship requires intention. Not dramatic, performative effort. Just steady, honest effort. Reaching out when you are tired. Making time that is not glamorous but meaningful. Being transparent about what you can realistically give in this season.

And sometimes, the truth is that neither of you has much left to give.

That does not mean the friendship lacked depth. It means life became heavier.

The friendships that survive these shifts are rarely identical to what they once were. They evolve. They allow space without assuming abandonment. They do not require constant proximity to feel secure. They are rooted less in frequency and more in mutual respect.

The friend who says, “I do not fully understand your season, but I care about you in it,” is the one who often stays.

It is also important to acknowledge that not every friendship is meant to remain central forever. Some are intense and brief. Some are steady and long. Some pause for years and return when life circles back around. There is grief in letting certain dynamics change, but there can also be relief in releasing the pressure to preserve something exactly as it was.

Friendship in adulthood may look quieter. It may be voice memos instead of marathon phone calls. Coffee squeezed between responsibilities. A text that says, “I saw this and thought of you.” It may not be constant, but it can still be real.

And if you find yourself wondering whether you are drifting from someone who once mattered deeply, the first move does not have to be dramatic. It can be simple.

Send the text.

Not to force things back into their old shape. Just to acknowledge that the connection mattered and still does in some form.

Because sometimes drift is not about distance.

It is about hesitation.

And hesitation can be bridged.

The post The Friendship Drift: When Life Stages No Longer Match appeared first on AKAMom Magazine.

Election season is upon us. It’s the time when social media is blowing up with trash talk from the candidates and trash talk about the candidates. It’s the time when you’re tempted to “unfriend” some of your friends, because you’re sick of them posting political propaganda that is opposite from your own political beliefs. It’s the time when you see someone with a political bumper sticker for a candidate you dislike and you’re tempted to cut them off in traffic. It’s relatively easy to ignore opposing political opinions when they’re coming from the internet or co-workers, BUT it’s much harder to have a political divide when it’s your spouse! 

So, when you don’t just sleep on the “right” and “left” sides of the bed, but you also vote on the “right” and “left” sides of the political spectrum, how to you keep peace in your marriage? Here’s a quick survival guide for those of you wrestling with political turmoil in your marriage:

1.Remember that what happens in YOUR house is more important than who goes to the White House.

Strong marriages aren’t the ones where a husband and wife agree on everything; they’re the ones when a husband and wife’s commitment to each other is AWLAYS bigger than their disagreements. Every four or eight years, we’re going to have someone new in the White House, but your marriage has a lifelong term, so keep what matters most in perspective.

2. Have discussions, but keep the “debates” on TV and out of your marriage.

Spend time talking about why each of you has the unique perspective and conviction that you have, but don’t make it your mission to argue your way into changing their mind. It’s not the best use of your energy. An argument rarely changes anyone’s mind; it just makes us more entrenched in what we already believed. You’re better off giving each other a foot rub and agreeing to disagree.

3. Don’t take it personally.

If your spouse doesn’t share your opinion, it doesn’t mean he/she doesn’t respect you.

4. Have some fun with it.

If you can’t have some fun in marriage, then where can you? If you want to secretly put your candidate’s bumper sticker on your spouse’s car and see how long it takes for them to notice, I personally think that’s pretty funny. Just be ready for him/her to do the same thing to you!

For more ways to build a rock-solid marriage download our new “MarriageApp” from iTunes by clicking here (a Facebook login is required to access the app). You can also check out my bestselling new book “The 7 Laws of Love” by clicking here.

Dave Willis is the founder of StrongerMarriages.org and the author of the bestselling book, “The Seven Laws of Love: Essential Principles for Building Stronger Relationships.” For more information, please visit www.DaveWillis.org.

The post 4 Ways to Survive a Politically-divided Marriage appeared first on AKAMom Magazine.

2014 is upon us and you have vowed to become a better mom, wife, or daughter… It’s an honorable resolution and one that many us of make for New Years and often throughout the year. We all wish for the perfect relationship with our loved ones but we often feel as if we have failed due to stress, fatigue, and emotions.  The people we love and care about the most are often the ones who see us at our worst. Our relationships suffer when we continuallyput others first and forget to take care of ourselves.

That’s not to say we forget the idea of working on our relationships, but maybe we focus on a better relationship with ourselves. That’s right, let’s talk about taking care you. When you take care of your own needs, you will have more energy to deal with many tasks and issues that pop up in your life and your relationships will benefit from doing so.  

Many people believe that to be healthy you need to have good nutrition and exercise, but it is more than that, it  is taking care of yourself emotionally, physically, and spiritually.  Medical practitioners are beginning to realize health is more than your physical body and turning to the  idea of caring for the whole person. Researchers are finding that positive lifestyle changes such as exercising, stress relief, and good nutrition have a direct impact on good health. According to the Bravewell Collaborative “Innovative research by Dean Ornish, MD, and his colleagues found that a program integrating mind-body techniques such as yoga, meditation, stress management, and group support with diet and exercise reversed coronary artery disease” (2012).

Take the time to do one thing from each of these areas every day. You do not have to spend a lot of time, it can be something very simple. For example, do something for yourself that benefits you emotionally. This could be taking 5 minutes to  call a friend before picking up the kids at daycare or taking a few moments in your room by yourself before tackling the evening list of to-dos. We often rush into the next task and end up frustrated. Taking a few minutes for yourself, calms you and enables you to put things in perspective.

Even though researchers are finding that emotional and spiritual health are important, don’t forget about your physical self. The Mayo clinic reports that exercise boosts confidence and improves your mood (2011). The most difficult parts of exercising are finding  time and sticking with it.  Take walks at lunch with co-workers or work in short bouts of exercise a few times a day, such as doing crunches during commercials while watching your favorite show. Wake up 20 to 30 minutes early and exercise before your day begins. This can be difficult, but ensures that you won’t skip out on your commitment later in the day. Make sure you find an activity that you enjoy so that you will be more likely to continue your routine.

Spirituality plays an important role in your well-being. It helps connect us to others, gives our lives purpose, decreases stress, and helps create better relationships (Mayo Clinic Staff, 2013).  Spirituality is different for every person, but it should be something that is meaningful to you. This can be meditating for 5 minutes after you wake up in the morning, reading a morning devotion while you have your coffee or attending a religious service.

Taking care of yourself does not have to be an expensive spa day. Your family will thank the new you and your New Year’s resolution will be a success. Who knows, your family may even say thank you by giving you the day off…. at the spa perhaps (wink).

Works Cited

Mayo Clinic Staff. (2013, 07 23). Spirituality and stress relief: Make the connection. Retrieved 01 0, 2013, from Mayo Clinic: http://www.mayoclinic.org/stress-relief/art-20044464

Mayo Clinic Staff. (2011, 07 23). Exercise: 7 benefits of regular physical activity. Retrieved 01 08, 2014, from Mayo Clinic: http://www.mayoclinic.org/exercise/art-20048389

The Bravewell Collaborative. (2012). The Mind-Body Connection. Retrieved from The Bravewell Collaborative: http://www.bravewell.org/integrative_medicine/philosophical_foundation/mind_and_body_connection/

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Parenting is all about balance, and it can be quite difficult to feel as if you’re giving your children enough attention while also trying to balance work, life and good relationships. It’s all about finding the right balance and eliminating the dreaded feeling of guilt in relation to parenting. Remember: If you’re doing your very best, you’re doing it right.

Daddy guilt exists as much as mommy guilt does just in different ways.  I believe most dads think that they do not spend enough time with their kids.  However, as with most guilt it is really an internal process, and the kids themselves are likely quite content with the level of attention they are receiving.

I’ve put together my top tips for alleviating the feelings of daddy guilt and being more engaged, involved and connected – even if you don’t get as much time as you’d like with your kids.

When in Doubt, Play: After having 7 kids of my own and experiencing 50 plus years of life, I find I am a little less concerned about my guilt nowadays. If I feel even slightly remorseful, I push those feelings aside and simply sit down on the floor and start playing with my kids.  Together, we like activities such as: reading, building train track set ups, and just walking outside together to explore our surroundings. Building memories together, bonding and establishing a relationship is an important part of being a dad, and engaging in activities with your children whenever you have time will eliminate some of the daddy guilt you might be feeling from working too much or traveling.

Give Your Undivided Attention: For a working dad or mom, the key to avoiding guilt and building relationships is undivided attention.  When you have the time to be with your kids, do so, without the smart phone nearby and without any other distractions. Even fifteen minutes of undivided attention a day is better than an hour of being in the same room while distracted by a television, a computer or a phone.  Quality time is well spent sitting quietly, asking questions, and listening to your children. Your kids will show you what they need from you; they’ll lead you to their understanding of quality time, and you need to be ready to jump on that bandwagon.  Engage your children, make eye contact, and listen to what they’re saying. That is ten times stronger and more effective than force feeding activities or trying to simply entertain them.

Make the Phone Call: When your kids are grown and out of the house it’s important to connect with them, and that generally means logging onto Facebook, setting up a Skype call, sending them an email or making that phone call. Your goal is simple: check in, ensure they know you are thinking of them and give them your love. If you have little ones at home and your work demands you travel and are away from you family for long periods of time you’ll need to do the same types of things to stay involved and engaged. In our house we love Skype and FaceTime; it allows us to see each other face-to-face, check in, smile, and even play with toys or read a story together. Engaging in this type of activity – even when you’re far apart – will alleviate the feelings of guilt that might come with being away from your family for work.

Be Consistent: Be the man your family relies on and follow through – every time. If you work long days and are only home at night in time for baths and story time then be present, every single night, for those activities. If you work nights and only get to spend time with your children when they wake up in the morning then be present and make that time count. If weekends are the only time you get to connect with your children then be consistent during those times and be involved and engaged. Your kids will look forward to the time they get to spend with you, and when you consistently engage them you’ll be making memories and building relationships that will last a lifetime.

So my advice is really this: if Dad is feeling guilty, he should just jump in and spend time with his kids, whenever and however possible – it will benefit everyone involved. 

Sincerely,

Daddy Nickell

Robert Nickell, aka Daddy Nickell, father of 7, offers his “5 cents” worth of advice to expectant and new parents. Daddy Nickell is the founder of Daddyscrubs.com, delivery room duds and daddy gifts and apparel, and the DaddyScrubs blog where he covers topics about parenting all from a Dad’s perspective.

The post Time Spent with Kids Eliminates Guilt appeared first on AKAMom Magazine.

Summer’s here and school’s out. What’s that mean for you? Busy, busy, busy with the kids—pool parties and barbecues, beach days and family vacations. Finding time to be intimate can be difficult. But it can happen. This summer, take a moment to remind your man you haven’t forgotten about him. We asked three exotic dancers from the documentary STRIPPED to share their secrets with other moms about how they keep things steamy in the bedroom during the busy days of summer.

According to Angel, “Be spontaneous and don’t be afraid to try something new. Be confident and tease him. Make sure you’re wearing something that’s comfortable for you, but that also makes you feel sexy. Direct eye contact shows you’re in control.” Additionally, Angel says, “Consider adding things for fun—such as handcuffs, or even wearing a tie. And touch yourself, like your breasts.” What is Angel’s favorite seductive move? “Doing a hand stand and resting my thighs on his shoulders, then shaking my butt and legs. He loves to be teased!”

From Chanel, “I think the most seductive move is to sit on his lap, with your back to him. Move slow and sexy, like you’re dancing to music in a club. Turn and look at him and remove your bra with one hand, then lean back. Toss one arm around his neck and kiss it gently, all the while still moving your butt against his lap. This move always gets him!”

For Emilie, there’s just one move that drives her man nuts. “I slide my breasts all the way down his body, and then I look up at him. He loves it!”

The exotic dancers in STRIPPED all live and work in various small cities throughout Montana. The documentary follows their lives—both at work and at home—with the goal of raising awareness to hopefully prevent the unfair prejudices toward these women, many of them working mothers.

For more information about STRIPPED and to help support the project, please visit  www.strippeddocu.com

The post From Seduction Experts: Keeping it Hot in the Bedroom this Summer appeared first on AKAMom Magazine.

With divorce rates so high, I think it’s important to remember how this huge change can impact families with children, as well as, how you as parents can put aside your differences to help your kids through it.

Be Sensitive: No matter what the situation, you’ll need to be extra sensitive when breaking the news of divorce to your children. Speak calmly and remember you’re talking to a child whose life is about to be turned upside down – as far as they know.

Remember You’re a Parent: Make a point to explain to your child that you love being their parent and that no matter what is going on between you and their mom that your feelings of love toward your children are not going to change.

Give Them a Chance to Speak: Your child might be angry at first, but after several days – or weeks – they’ll be ready to talk. When they’re ready allow them to ask questions, to voice their sadness and concern and just listen to them, showing comfort in whatever stability remains.

Keep Hostility at Bay: Many divorces come with their fair share of hostility and anger. Do your very best to keep that out of your house and away from your children – as difficult as that may be. It’s not going to help your child to witness you and your wife screaming and squabbling over every last item you’ve shared together.

Find Support: Finding support for both the parents and the children is extremely important. If your child is having a difficult time with the news encourage them to talk to a counselor, a teacher or a friend who has witnessed divorce already. Additionally, the huge life change can be difficult for the parents, too. I suggest seeking out a therapist, friend or family member to talk to if you need a bit of extra support yourself. 

Divorce can be very difficult, but it doesn’t mean your child’s changing life will have to be horrible or difficult. Fall back on routine and remember to express your love to your children as often as possible.

Sincerely,

Daddy Nickell

Robert Nickell, aka Daddy Nickell, father of 7, offers his “5 cents” worth of advice to expectant and new parents. Daddy Nickell is the founder of Daddyscrubs.com, delivery room duds and daddy apparel, and DaddyScrubs blog where he covers topics about parenting and the latest baby and kids gear, all from a Dad’s perspective.

The post Helping Kids Through Divorce appeared first on AKAMom Magazine.

I was in a sexless marriage for over ten years.  I still can’t believe that I can admit that so easily!  When I was in this situation (which is defined as having sex less than once a month) I never told a soul – not even my best girlfriend.  I was afraid that she would laugh at me, pity me, or tell me I had to break up with my husband – none of which I wanted to hear.  I was generally happy with most aspects of our relationship so I didn’t want to rock the boat by demanding that things changed in the bedroom.  We were best friends and soul mates.  If you had seen us at a party together, we would probably be the last couple that you thought had problems in the bedroom – we shared the same interests in books and movies, we had similar senses of humor, we were two peas in a pod so to speak.  But …if you had looked closer at us, as some friends told me later, you would have noticed that there was very little physical contact between us – no holding hands, no nuzzling together, no kisses on the neck or lips in public. That’s the first step down the road to the Roommate Syndrome – when couples start acting more like friends than lovers.  And you can be both, you know.

What happens when couples live together can be a slow de-sexualization of our view one another.  That’s when you spoon and cuddle on the couch, but it rarely leads to full-blown sexual passion.  But isn’t it just the normal process of a long-term relationship?  No, it’s not and it doesn’t have to be this way.  I have received so many e-mails from readers who have told me our book has helped them immensely – just by changing a few simple daily habits you can unleash the sexual chemistry again.  I don’t have space here to go into all of the habits that need to be changed if you want to get out of the roommate syndrome, but here are a few. 

1). Get rid of the cutesy pet names and start speaking to each other as adults again.  Words are important and they can get you in the mood much better than any lingerie can. If you haven’t called your partner by his name in ages, try it.  It’s adult, it can be sexual, and it will put his head in a different place. A more sexual place than “pookie” or “papa bear!”

2).  Start touching each other before you get in the bedroom.  In fact, you should be making some kind of physical contact all day long. When I was in my sexless marriage, I was appalled at how so many books recommended things to do “in the bedroom” – but in reality you need to feel sexual before you get in that room. Long before.  Hold hands, kiss on the lips, French kiss, touch each other’s necks – all these things will make you feel more sexual towards each other.

3).  Close the bathroom door.  More sex lives are ruined by bad bathroom behavior than you can imagine.  It builds resentment, it’s a general turn off and it’s a visual you don’t need to think about when you’re in bed later.  So if you didn’t leave the bathroom door open in the beginning of your relationship, then why are you doing it now?

4).  Don’t spend every minute together and make sure you have some separate friends and separate activities. Why?  Because when you only socialize together there’s no mystery and no excitement with each other.  You don’t need to play games – just don’t do everything together. This creates boredom and boredom is never good for sex.

5).  Remember to love the one you’re with – I’m talking about you, ladies!  If your self esteem is low when you get naked, how are you going to turn him on, and more importantly, how are you going to turn yourself on?  Look at your body in the mirror at least once a day. Your body is beautiful just the way it is. Trust me, he’ll think so if you think so.

Unfortunately, my marriage eventually broke up because of the roommate syndrome.  Like many couples caught in this painful and confusing place, it took its toll on our marriage and was its undoing.  So take the advice of someone who has been there.  You’re not alone, trust me.  There are more couples living like this than you can imagine. The good news is that you can get out of it. Start with a few little daily changes and you’ll see some results immediately. Isn’t your marriage worth it?

By Maggie Arana

Co-author of “Stop Calling Him Honey …. And Start Having Sex!”

The post The Roommate Syndrome appeared first on AKAMom Magazine.