Whether you’re dating, married or check the box for “it’s complicated,” it’s time to consider some serious relationship revamping this spring. Here are a few helpful tips to get you started.

Out With the Old Lovin’ and In With the New

Remember when sex with your partner was wild, fun, carefree and spontaneous? If the answer is, “I can’t remember that far back,” then this is for you. It’s time to brush up your moves in the bedroom and let loose when in-between the sheets. Better yet, forget the sheets altogether and enjoy a new place to get playful with your man. If you need a little boost of creativity, may we suggest kamasutra?! Whichever way you choose to explore new ways of intimacy with your partner, just remember that breaking through the monotony is the goal.

Bon Voyage!

Pick up the phone and dial Grandma, Grandpa, sister, brother, best friend, nanny or teenager down the street – call whoever you need to watch the kids so you and your partner can get the hell out of town! Book a quick weekend getaway (or longer if you can swing it!), and enjoy some rejuvenating time together. If you start planning and saving together, it will give the two of you something to look forward to and anticipate in the near future.

Have a Faux First Date

Regardless of however long you’ve been married or dating, there are still some things you will never learn about your partner unless you ask. Plan a date night where the two of you recreate the first time you met – sans the harsh interview-esque feeling that tends to put a damper on the situation. Go out for a casual dinner or cocktail, and ask heartfelt questions about your partner’s life goals and dreams, favorite memories from childhood and what makes them a perfect match for you. It’s a great opportunity to fall in love with each other all over again.

Break the Rules

When it comes to relationship advice, we’ve all heard the same things: Don’t go to bed angry, be 100% perfectly honest about your past relationships, your children have to come first, and you should have sex with your partner to make him/her happy. But who made these rules and why do we have to follow them? If we don’t, is the relationship doomed? Short answer: probably not. Relationships are extremely tender and unique and should be nurtured according to personal beliefs the two of you share. There’s no all-encompassing guide in the history of human existence that states, “If you do all of these things for your relationship, you will be successful.” Sorry, that’s not how life (and especially relationships) work. If you’ve been following these antiquated rules, it’s definitely time to break them. Here’s why: fighting late at night has the potential to make mountains out of molehills. It’s probably best to sleep on it, wake up refreshed, and start the conversation again when you’ve had a good night’s sleep. As far as being honest about past relationships, it’s pretty simple. The past is the past. There is no re-writing history, so why delve into it? Putting your children first often puts a wedge in a relationship. Parents can easily lose sight of their partner, making him/her feel unloved and unwanted. This behavior and approach to parenthood may need to be curbed if you see it affected your marriage. Last but definitely not least, sex is about both of you. Sure, it often seems like a chore, but sex is healthy and necessary for a marriage to function properly. Take that into consideration the next time you think about skipping your orgasm.

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The popular sitcom The Office ran for 9 seasons, from 2004 to 2013. From day one, viewers watched receptionist Pam Beesley and salesman Jim Halpert grow from awkward office friends to happily married with children. Some may not believe in love, but the plot line created for Jim and Pam showed a more realistic, believable version of love that we can all yearn for.

Honesty

During season 9 fans held their breath as Jim continued to keep a large – and life-altering – secret from Pam. It nearly destroyed their marriage as both struggled to understand and work around the others’ personal and professional goals. Of course, we know that none of this tension would have collected if the couple had remained honest with one another. Honesty keeps the door open for swifter solutions to what would otherwise turn into a larger problem.

Understanding & Compromise

The couple, throughout the series, understands the needs of the other – is this a fairy tale? During the jokes and the quirky moments, Jim and Pam remain on the same page. Sometimes this understanding means knowing that you cannot agree, but must instead compromise. Compromise is an important part of a lasting, life-long partnership.

Friendship

While it’s true that your spouse does not need to be your very best friend… it does help. From the first episode, Jim and Pam have had a solid foundation of friendship. Even after marrying and having children they are able to joke and play with one another. After a few years, kids and work, flirting with your partner may seem silly – but it’s necessary. It helps both people remember why they decided to marry.

Admit it: Marriage is Tough

Marriage can be tough and it may always be a work in progress. It is up to those involved to make it a happy place, and that is what we have learned from Pam and Jim. Life happens, and it can be very difficult to balance parenthood, a professional and personal life, and marriage. However, through these three lessons in love meet the hard times with love when things come falling down. Jim and Pam did not have a fairy tale love, but fairy tales are not reality and reality is something we all could use a bit more of.

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Is your marriage stuck in a rut? Are you and your partner recent empty-nesters looking to recommit to your marriage?  Can’t find the time or energy to make your partner a priority?  Are you sick and tired of all the arguing and other bad relationship habits?

Here’s a better question, ever thought about marriage boot camp?

Yes, it’s a thing. And no, you won’t be bench-pressing each other –at least not yet anyway (wink wink).  Instead, you’ll have the opportunity to strengthen your marriage through a series of games, exercises, counseling sessions, and even date nights. 

Rather than sitting on a couch in a stuffy shrink’s office (sorry, Dr. Phil), we suggest putting your marriage to the ultimate test with a boot camp designed just for struggling couples who want to save their relationship from the calamity that is divorce.

It’s understandable that parents often lose sight of their partner’s needs when children enter the scene, and with this country’s high divorce rate, it’s easy to tell which marriages suffered due to lack of communication and commitment.  Enter marriage boot camp.

These boot camps that are scattered across the globe are designed specifically for those looking to better their lives, whether married, considering divorce or considering marriage.  Building self-esteem, acknowledging and forgiving past hurts and gaining the strength to fight for your relationship are tools that boot camp coaches give to every participant.

Rekindling physical intimacy with your partner is also a main focal point for many marriage boot camps.  Rediscovering each other in a romantic and sexual sense has the ability to restore trust, alleviate anger, and rebuild bonds that may have been severed years that were thought to be irreversibly broken. 

Marriage boot camp is not for the faint of heart, however.  Skeletons will come out of the closet and years of bottled-up emotions will be set free. Couples will need to mentally prepare themselves for this experience and be committed to success.  Your mantra throughout the experience should be “no pain, no gain.”

If you and your partner are struggling and have thought about marriage boot camp or marriage retreats, start off by making small, reachable goals before heading off.  Once there, explore life-changing goals that won’t disintegrate the moment you return home.   Be sure to chronicle your experience at boot camp with a journal as a point of reference to be used if you find yourself falling back into old habits. 

Here are a few links to get the search started for the right marriage boot camp or retreat:

http://marriagerescue.org/

http://www.lifemarriageretreats.com/marriage-retreat-texas/

http://www.marriagetoday.com/resources/marriage-intensives/

http://clearingretreat.org/

http://www.retrouvaille.org/

http://www.consciousrelationships.com/workshops.html

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2014 is upon us and you have vowed to become a better mom, wife, or daughter… It’s an honorable resolution and one that many us of make for New Years and often throughout the year. We all wish for the perfect relationship with our loved ones but we often feel as if we have failed due to stress, fatigue, and emotions.  The people we love and care about the most are often the ones who see us at our worst. Our relationships suffer when we continuallyput others first and forget to take care of ourselves.

That’s not to say we forget the idea of working on our relationships, but maybe we focus on a better relationship with ourselves. That’s right, let’s talk about taking care you. When you take care of your own needs, you will have more energy to deal with many tasks and issues that pop up in your life and your relationships will benefit from doing so.  

Many people believe that to be healthy you need to have good nutrition and exercise, but it is more than that, it  is taking care of yourself emotionally, physically, and spiritually.  Medical practitioners are beginning to realize health is more than your physical body and turning to the  idea of caring for the whole person. Researchers are finding that positive lifestyle changes such as exercising, stress relief, and good nutrition have a direct impact on good health. According to the Bravewell Collaborative “Innovative research by Dean Ornish, MD, and his colleagues found that a program integrating mind-body techniques such as yoga, meditation, stress management, and group support with diet and exercise reversed coronary artery disease” (2012).

Take the time to do one thing from each of these areas every day. You do not have to spend a lot of time, it can be something very simple. For example, do something for yourself that benefits you emotionally. This could be taking 5 minutes to  call a friend before picking up the kids at daycare or taking a few moments in your room by yourself before tackling the evening list of to-dos. We often rush into the next task and end up frustrated. Taking a few minutes for yourself, calms you and enables you to put things in perspective.

Even though researchers are finding that emotional and spiritual health are important, don’t forget about your physical self. The Mayo clinic reports that exercise boosts confidence and improves your mood (2011). The most difficult parts of exercising are finding  time and sticking with it.  Take walks at lunch with co-workers or work in short bouts of exercise a few times a day, such as doing crunches during commercials while watching your favorite show. Wake up 20 to 30 minutes early and exercise before your day begins. This can be difficult, but ensures that you won’t skip out on your commitment later in the day. Make sure you find an activity that you enjoy so that you will be more likely to continue your routine.

Spirituality plays an important role in your well-being. It helps connect us to others, gives our lives purpose, decreases stress, and helps create better relationships (Mayo Clinic Staff, 2013).  Spirituality is different for every person, but it should be something that is meaningful to you. This can be meditating for 5 minutes after you wake up in the morning, reading a morning devotion while you have your coffee or attending a religious service.

Taking care of yourself does not have to be an expensive spa day. Your family will thank the new you and your New Year’s resolution will be a success. Who knows, your family may even say thank you by giving you the day off…. at the spa perhaps (wink).

Works Cited

Mayo Clinic Staff. (2013, 07 23). Spirituality and stress relief: Make the connection. Retrieved 01 0, 2013, from Mayo Clinic: http://www.mayoclinic.org/stress-relief/art-20044464

Mayo Clinic Staff. (2011, 07 23). Exercise: 7 benefits of regular physical activity. Retrieved 01 08, 2014, from Mayo Clinic: http://www.mayoclinic.org/exercise/art-20048389

The Bravewell Collaborative. (2012). The Mind-Body Connection. Retrieved from The Bravewell Collaborative: http://www.bravewell.org/integrative_medicine/philosophical_foundation/mind_and_body_connection/

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If your lover took you out to the city’s finest restaurant night after night, wouldn’t you soon be craving burritos and beans at your local Mexican place? Sure you would, and this ennui with routine is true for sex as well. Romantic, meaningful sex is wonderful—but sometimes it just seems like a lot of work. Consider this probably not unfamiliar situation: You are really in the mood, but you don’t have the time (or desire) for a prolonged love-making session. You just have an itch you’d like your lover to scratch, then you’d like to get back to your spreadsheet…This is the moment for a quickie. You mean no disrespect or lack of love for your partner, but this isn’t about love—it’s about lust. Wonderful, old-fashioned, heat-seeking lust. It’s not that anyone would do. No, this is about the pleasure you can get from, and the desire you can have for your partner.

A quickie full of animal need and immediate gratification is a part of being alive and vibrant together. If you feel insulted because your partner wants you this way—or embarrassed that you just want something that seems so meaningless—you haven’t understood that a quickie is a form of intimacy. It is giving intense, sudden sexual access without asking for motivation or justification. I realize this sounds more like a male rationalization than a female fantasy. And plenty of women are put off by a partner’s request for passionate sex without romantic foreplay. But I have interviewed a number of wives and girlfriends who say more or less the same thing: “Sometimes I don’t want the music, the flowers, the words, the tender tracing of my body. Sometimes I simply want to be tackled when I am coming through the door, and made to feel insanely desirable.” Quick doesn’t necessarily mean second best. We don’t dislike the sandwich because it is not chicken piccata. Au contraire—we sometimes choose the sandwich over more elegant competition precisely because, in its own humble way, it is satisfying and special. Of course the sandwich has no say in the matter, and a partner does. This is why communication makes all the difference. A woman can enjoy a quickie as much as a man if she is turned on and therefore “ready.”

As one woman told me recently, “He thinks I don’t want quickies, but he’s wrong. Sometimes I feel as irrationally randy as he does. I just have to be in the right mood, and I need to know he is being sexy, not pushy.” A code phrase that each person understands can set the stage immediately. For example, “I want you–now!” or “Take me” can be the signal for playful, intense sex. As long as long as you and your partner negotiate what

conduct is welcome between you, it is perfectly all right for one person to grab the other and start stripping off clothes. (Although someone has to tell men that tearing off an expensive blouse is not a turn-on!) The eroticism of surprise–a reminder of the full force of your lover’s need and desire–can be a powerful tool. Granted, you wouldn’t want a diet of nothing but sandwiches or a sex life that was continually Wham, bam, thank you Ma’am/Sam. But like an additional spice, the quickie can be part of every creative lover’s cookbook.

Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D., is a therapist and professor of sociology at the University of Washington.

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There is tons of scientific evidence for this. Darwin thought that dance was part of the mate selection process and more recent research suggests that the way we dance might be influenced by our hormonal and genetic make up, such that we use dance to communicate the quality of our genes to potential mates.
Recent research also found that men with high levels of the sex hormone testosterone dance differently to men with low levels of testosterone and, most importantly, women prefer the dancing of high testosterone men. Now, if we couple this with the finding that the female sexual partners of high testosterone men report having more orgasms during sex than the sexual partners of low testosterone men we can see how dancing style is well worth looking at when we are looking for a mate.

What about women? When women are at the more fertile stage of their menstrual cycle they dance differently to when they are at the less fertile stage of their cycle. Research shows that men rate the dancing of women who are at the fertile stage of their cycle to be more attractive than the dancing of women who are at the less fertile stage of their menstrual cycle. So what’s so different about the dancing of fertile and less fertile women? It’s all in the hips. At the more fertile stage of their cycle women move their hips more when they are dancing compared with when they are at the less fertile stage.
So ladies, if you want to spice up your relationship . . . shake your tail feathers!

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