It usually doesn’t start with a dramatic fight.

It starts with a sigh.

A short answer.
A missed text.
A “Can you just handle it?”

And suddenly the house feels heavy.

Not because you stopped loving each other.

But because you are both running on fumes.

For many couples, the biggest strain on marriage after kids is not betrayal, incompatibility, or explosive arguments. It is exhaustion. Chronic, layered, unrelenting exhaustion.

And exhaustion changes everything.

The Quiet Shift From Lovers to Logistics Managers

Before kids, you had space. Space to talk. Space to miss each other. Space to recover after a disagreement.

After kids, especially in the early years, you become operators.

Schedules.
Meals.
Bath time.
Bedtime.
Work deadlines.
School emails.
Soccer practice.

Conversations start sounding like staff meetings.

“Did you sign that form?”
“Who’s picking her up?”
“Did you call the pediatrician?”

Romance does not usually disappear in a dramatic crash. It erodes quietly under the weight of coordination.

The shift from intimacy to logistics is subtle. But it is powerful.

Why Tired Couples Feel More Irritable

When you are sleep deprived or mentally overloaded, your nervous system is already on edge. Your brain has less capacity for patience, empathy, and thoughtful response.

Small issues feel bigger. Neutral comments sound critical. A forgotten task feels personal.

You snap faster.
You assume worse.
You defend quicker.

Exhaustion lowers your emotional buffer.

It is not that you suddenly disagree on core values. It is that your bodies are stressed, your minds are cluttered, and your margin is gone.

And when margin disappears, grace often goes with it.

The Myth That Conflict Is the Biggest Threat

Many couples panic when they argue more after kids. They assume increased tension means something is fundamentally wrong.

But conflict is not always the real issue.

Disconnection is.

Exhausted couples often stop checking in emotionally. They function side by side instead of together. They survive the day rather than share it.

It can look like distance.
It can feel like rejection.

But often, it is depletion.

When you are depleted, connection requires effort you may not feel like you have.

The Mental Load Factor

One of the biggest tension points in modern marriages is the invisible mental load.

Who remembers the dentist appointments?
Who keeps track of teacher emails?
Who notices when shoes are too small?
Who plans birthdays?

Even when tasks are shared, the anticipation and planning often sit heavier on one partner. That imbalance, especially when combined with exhaustion, quietly builds resentment.

Not explosive resentment.

Just a slow simmer.

And when you are tired, that simmer rises faster.

What Actually Helps

Here is the hopeful part.

If exhaustion is part of the problem, it is also part of the solution.

First, normalize the season. The early parenting years are intense. The middle years are busy. The teen years are emotionally demanding. Each stage brings its own fatigue. Recognizing that stress is seasonal can reduce panic.

Second, lower the bar strategically. Not for your marriage, but for everything else. Perfect house, elaborate meals, constant commitments. Trim where you can. Energy is finite.

Third, communicate energy levels instead of accusations. There is a difference between “You never help” and “I am running on empty today.” One triggers defense. The other invites partnership.

Fourth, protect small pockets of connection. Not elaborate date nights that require babysitters and planning stress. Five minutes of undistracted conversation. Sitting together after the kids go to bed instead of scrolling separately. A hug that lasts longer than two seconds.

Connection does not always require grand gestures. It requires intentional presence.

Finally, divide mental load openly. Not in a frustrated blow up, but in a calm audit. What is each person carrying? What feels heavy? What can shift?

Clarity reduces resentment.

Drawing a Line Between Fatigue and Something Deeper

It is also important to pause here.

Exhaustion explains a lot. It does not explain everything.

If there are patterns of disrespect, emotional withdrawal, chronic dishonesty, addiction, or abuse, those issues require more than extra sleep and better scheduling. They require serious attention and sometimes outside support.

But for many couples who find themselves saying, “We love each other. We’re just tired,” the core of the relationship is still intact.

It is simply buried under laundry piles, calendar alerts, and unfinished to do lists.

And that is a very different starting point than a broken foundation.

This Season Is Not the Whole Story

Marriage after kids is different.

It is less spontaneous.
It is more practical.
It is louder.

But it can also be deeper.

Shared struggle builds resilience. Surviving hard seasons together strengthens partnership. Raising humans together creates a bond that dating never could.

The goal is not to get back to pre-kid marriage. That version of you no longer exists.

The goal is to build the next version.

One where you acknowledge the exhaustion instead of blaming each other for it.

One where tired does not automatically mean disconnected.

Because sometimes the most honest thing you can say is not “We are drifting apart.”

It is simply, “We are exhausted.”

And that is something you can work with.

The post We Love Each Other. We’re Just Tired. appeared first on AKAMom Magazine.

Whether you’re dating, married or check the box for “it’s complicated,” it’s time to consider some serious relationship revamping this spring. Here are a few helpful tips to get you started.

Out With the Old Lovin’ and In With the New

Remember when sex with your partner was wild, fun, carefree and spontaneous? If the answer is, “I can’t remember that far back,” then this is for you. It’s time to brush up your moves in the bedroom and let loose when in-between the sheets. Better yet, forget the sheets altogether and enjoy a new place to get playful with your man. If you need a little boost of creativity, may we suggest kamasutra?! Whichever way you choose to explore new ways of intimacy with your partner, just remember that breaking through the monotony is the goal.

Bon Voyage!

Pick up the phone and dial Grandma, Grandpa, sister, brother, best friend, nanny or teenager down the street – call whoever you need to watch the kids so you and your partner can get the hell out of town! Book a quick weekend getaway (or longer if you can swing it!), and enjoy some rejuvenating time together. If you start planning and saving together, it will give the two of you something to look forward to and anticipate in the near future.

Have a Faux First Date

Regardless of however long you’ve been married or dating, there are still some things you will never learn about your partner unless you ask. Plan a date night where the two of you recreate the first time you met – sans the harsh interview-esque feeling that tends to put a damper on the situation. Go out for a casual dinner or cocktail, and ask heartfelt questions about your partner’s life goals and dreams, favorite memories from childhood and what makes them a perfect match for you. It’s a great opportunity to fall in love with each other all over again.

Break the Rules

When it comes to relationship advice, we’ve all heard the same things: Don’t go to bed angry, be 100% perfectly honest about your past relationships, your children have to come first, and you should have sex with your partner to make him/her happy. But who made these rules and why do we have to follow them? If we don’t, is the relationship doomed? Short answer: probably not. Relationships are extremely tender and unique and should be nurtured according to personal beliefs the two of you share. There’s no all-encompassing guide in the history of human existence that states, “If you do all of these things for your relationship, you will be successful.” Sorry, that’s not how life (and especially relationships) work. If you’ve been following these antiquated rules, it’s definitely time to break them. Here’s why: fighting late at night has the potential to make mountains out of molehills. It’s probably best to sleep on it, wake up refreshed, and start the conversation again when you’ve had a good night’s sleep. As far as being honest about past relationships, it’s pretty simple. The past is the past. There is no re-writing history, so why delve into it? Putting your children first often puts a wedge in a relationship. Parents can easily lose sight of their partner, making him/her feel unloved and unwanted. This behavior and approach to parenthood may need to be curbed if you see it affected your marriage. Last but definitely not least, sex is about both of you. Sure, it often seems like a chore, but sex is healthy and necessary for a marriage to function properly. Take that into consideration the next time you think about skipping your orgasm.

The post Spring Cleaning – How To Freshen Up Your Relationship appeared first on AKAMom Magazine.

By Dana DeMercurio

It all starts with that infamous line: “I met someone.” Your best friend has captured the eye of some well-to-do insurance broker and slowly exits your life stage right.  You quickly find yourself without your partner in crime, not to mention single, unattached and childless.  You’re happy for her of course, but worried that you may have just lost a friend.

Days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months, and before you know it, you’re the MOH (Maid of Honor) at your bestie’s wedding.  This is surely the death of your friendship, you’re thinking.  And sadly, you might be right.

Is any of this sounding familiar? Because it’s kinda the story of many single girls’ lives.  Including mine.

Granted, I still talk to most of my married girlfriends, but things are…different.  Conversations inevitably turn to their children’s potty-training exploits or worse – how things are not so great in the bedroom since little Jack decided he was going to sleep between his parents every night. And all I can help but think is wow, is this really the same person that I would get party with on the weekends and flash truckers with during long-haul road trips?

Ahh, I miss those days.

Sure, the topics of discussion often make me cringe on the inside, but while I quietly relish in being single, I also know that I’m probably being judged for it as well.

“So, when are you getting married?” “You want kids, don’t you?” “30 is going to be here before you know it!”

Yeah, ladies… I get it. My biological clock is ticking.  I don’t need the reminder.  My uterus reminds me on the monthly.

Instead of shaming your single friends into fitting into societal norms, why not encourage them to embrace their single life and enjoy it while they have the chance?  It’s important for married women to remember that single women may not have the same domestic ambitions, or perhaps simply lack motherly instincts and child-bearing aspirations.  FYI – none of that is wrong. It’s okay that we are owning our convictions and not being peer-pressured into marriage or motherhood.

So what am I getting at? It’s enough that many single girls are often inadvertently cold-shouldered from their own friends once a man and children come into the picture, but this is a gentle reminder that single girls still need the love of their married friends, without the guilt trips and single-lifestyle-shaming.  Trust me when I say we get it enough from our own mothers.

People change, people grow older, people mature.  Just because your single friends aren’t on the same life path as you doesn’t mean they are going about life in the wrong way.  Be mindful and sensitive to the fact that being single is not always a choice, and life is not a race (especially to the altar).

Embrace each other’s choices, spend time rebuilding your friendship, invest in the future of your friendship, reminiscence about your youth and always remember that a friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself.

The post Your Single Friends Need Love, Too! appeared first on AKAMom Magazine.

The popular sitcom The Office ran for 9 seasons, from 2004 to 2013. From day one, viewers watched receptionist Pam Beesley and salesman Jim Halpert grow from awkward office friends to happily married with children. Some may not believe in love, but the plot line created for Jim and Pam showed a more realistic, believable version of love that we can all yearn for.

Honesty

During season 9 fans held their breath as Jim continued to keep a large – and life-altering – secret from Pam. It nearly destroyed their marriage as both struggled to understand and work around the others’ personal and professional goals. Of course, we know that none of this tension would have collected if the couple had remained honest with one another. Honesty keeps the door open for swifter solutions to what would otherwise turn into a larger problem.

Understanding & Compromise

The couple, throughout the series, understands the needs of the other – is this a fairy tale? During the jokes and the quirky moments, Jim and Pam remain on the same page. Sometimes this understanding means knowing that you cannot agree, but must instead compromise. Compromise is an important part of a lasting, life-long partnership.

Friendship

While it’s true that your spouse does not need to be your very best friend… it does help. From the first episode, Jim and Pam have had a solid foundation of friendship. Even after marrying and having children they are able to joke and play with one another. After a few years, kids and work, flirting with your partner may seem silly – but it’s necessary. It helps both people remember why they decided to marry.

Admit it: Marriage is Tough

Marriage can be tough and it may always be a work in progress. It is up to those involved to make it a happy place, and that is what we have learned from Pam and Jim. Life happens, and it can be very difficult to balance parenthood, a professional and personal life, and marriage. However, through these three lessons in love meet the hard times with love when things come falling down. Jim and Pam did not have a fairy tale love, but fairy tales are not reality and reality is something we all could use a bit more of.

The post “Lessons in Love from the Office: Finding the Jim to your Pam” appeared first on AKAMom Magazine.

Is your marriage stuck in a rut? Are you and your partner recent empty-nesters looking to recommit to your marriage?  Can’t find the time or energy to make your partner a priority?  Are you sick and tired of all the arguing and other bad relationship habits?

Here’s a better question, ever thought about marriage boot camp?

Yes, it’s a thing. And no, you won’t be bench-pressing each other –at least not yet anyway (wink wink).  Instead, you’ll have the opportunity to strengthen your marriage through a series of games, exercises, counseling sessions, and even date nights. 

Rather than sitting on a couch in a stuffy shrink’s office (sorry, Dr. Phil), we suggest putting your marriage to the ultimate test with a boot camp designed just for struggling couples who want to save their relationship from the calamity that is divorce.

It’s understandable that parents often lose sight of their partner’s needs when children enter the scene, and with this country’s high divorce rate, it’s easy to tell which marriages suffered due to lack of communication and commitment.  Enter marriage boot camp.

These boot camps that are scattered across the globe are designed specifically for those looking to better their lives, whether married, considering divorce or considering marriage.  Building self-esteem, acknowledging and forgiving past hurts and gaining the strength to fight for your relationship are tools that boot camp coaches give to every participant.

Rekindling physical intimacy with your partner is also a main focal point for many marriage boot camps.  Rediscovering each other in a romantic and sexual sense has the ability to restore trust, alleviate anger, and rebuild bonds that may have been severed years that were thought to be irreversibly broken. 

Marriage boot camp is not for the faint of heart, however.  Skeletons will come out of the closet and years of bottled-up emotions will be set free. Couples will need to mentally prepare themselves for this experience and be committed to success.  Your mantra throughout the experience should be “no pain, no gain.”

If you and your partner are struggling and have thought about marriage boot camp or marriage retreats, start off by making small, reachable goals before heading off.  Once there, explore life-changing goals that won’t disintegrate the moment you return home.   Be sure to chronicle your experience at boot camp with a journal as a point of reference to be used if you find yourself falling back into old habits. 

Here are a few links to get the search started for the right marriage boot camp or retreat:

http://marriagerescue.org/

http://www.lifemarriageretreats.com/marriage-retreat-texas/

http://www.marriagetoday.com/resources/marriage-intensives/

http://clearingretreat.org/

http://www.retrouvaille.org/

http://www.consciousrelationships.com/workshops.html

The post Is Your Marriage Fit? appeared first on AKAMom Magazine.

It’s time to ask the question that most women are afraid to ask.  Are you satisfied with your sex life?  Be honest with yourself, it’s OK!  Between work, raising the kids and maintaining the house, it can be hard to give your sex life the attention that it deserves.  What is even worse, we often use sex as a weapon in arguments.  We use it to reward “good” behavior and we withhold it to punish “bad” behavior.  The problem is that when we withhold sex as a punishment, we start a negative spiral that can be detrimental to our relationships.

It is a common scenario; the hubby is once again glued to the TV while you’re busting your butt trying to chisel away at the never-ending list of things that need to be done.  As a result, when he tries to make a move later that night, you are quick to shut him down.  This only creates animosity that builds over time causing both an increase in the less-than-favorable behavior and a decrease in sex.  You end up fighting against each other rather than working together.  Sound familiar?

One working mom has discovered the solution!  Carolyn Evans found a simple method that helped her own marriage and is now out to help couples across the country.  What is her secret to marital success?  The secret is the method that she calls The 40 Beads.  “A man has to have sex to feel close, and a woman has to feel close to want to have sex with him,” says Evans.  The Beads take away the tension and animosity that can build around sex.  The women places a small bowl (or “beadcatcher”) near her bed and gives her husband the beads.  When he places a bead in to the beadcatcher it means that the couple will have sex within the next 24 hours.  So how does this translate to a better relationship?

When the man places the bead in to the bead catcher, and he knows what is going to happen very soon, there are a few changes that go on in his brain.  First off, he becomes filled with anticipation and excitement.  Since these feelings are focused completely on his wife, he feels closer and more positively towards her.  As a result, he acts more loving and attentive to his wife’s needs, causing her to be more receptive to his sexual needs.  Instead of the negative cycle that used to happen, this is just the opposite!  What you are left with is a fun approach to sex that satisfies both partner’s wants and needs.  When your relationship strengthens in the bedroom, the results can be seen in all other areas too!

Although the method is simple in practice, it’s profound in results.  Women all around the country are singing the praises of the Beads saying that it has given them the sex life and the strong relationship that they have always wanted!  If you are ready to stop fighting against your partner and try something constructive and fun it’s time for the Beads.  

To learn how to improve your relationship by improving your sex life, pick up Forty Beads: The Simple Sexy Secret for Transforming Your Marriage.

The post Forget about 50 Shades, We’re Talking 40 Beads appeared first on AKAMom Magazine.

I was in a sexless marriage for over ten years.  I still can’t believe that I can admit that so easily!  When I was in this situation (which is defined as having sex less than once a month) I never told a soul – not even my best girlfriend.  I was afraid that she would laugh at me, pity me, or tell me I had to break up with my husband – none of which I wanted to hear.  I was generally happy with most aspects of our relationship so I didn’t want to rock the boat by demanding that things changed in the bedroom.  We were best friends and soul mates.  If you had seen us at a party together, we would probably be the last couple that you thought had problems in the bedroom – we shared the same interests in books and movies, we had similar senses of humor, we were two peas in a pod so to speak.  But …if you had looked closer at us, as some friends told me later, you would have noticed that there was very little physical contact between us – no holding hands, no nuzzling together, no kisses on the neck or lips in public. That’s the first step down the road to the Roommate Syndrome – when couples start acting more like friends than lovers.  And you can be both, you know.

What happens when couples live together can be a slow de-sexualization of our view one another.  That’s when you spoon and cuddle on the couch, but it rarely leads to full-blown sexual passion.  But isn’t it just the normal process of a long-term relationship?  No, it’s not and it doesn’t have to be this way.  I have received so many e-mails from readers who have told me our book has helped them immensely – just by changing a few simple daily habits you can unleash the sexual chemistry again.  I don’t have space here to go into all of the habits that need to be changed if you want to get out of the roommate syndrome, but here are a few. 

1). Get rid of the cutesy pet names and start speaking to each other as adults again.  Words are important and they can get you in the mood much better than any lingerie can. If you haven’t called your partner by his name in ages, try it.  It’s adult, it can be sexual, and it will put his head in a different place. A more sexual place than “pookie” or “papa bear!”

2).  Start touching each other before you get in the bedroom.  In fact, you should be making some kind of physical contact all day long. When I was in my sexless marriage, I was appalled at how so many books recommended things to do “in the bedroom” – but in reality you need to feel sexual before you get in that room. Long before.  Hold hands, kiss on the lips, French kiss, touch each other’s necks – all these things will make you feel more sexual towards each other.

3).  Close the bathroom door.  More sex lives are ruined by bad bathroom behavior than you can imagine.  It builds resentment, it’s a general turn off and it’s a visual you don’t need to think about when you’re in bed later.  So if you didn’t leave the bathroom door open in the beginning of your relationship, then why are you doing it now?

4).  Don’t spend every minute together and make sure you have some separate friends and separate activities. Why?  Because when you only socialize together there’s no mystery and no excitement with each other.  You don’t need to play games – just don’t do everything together. This creates boredom and boredom is never good for sex.

5).  Remember to love the one you’re with – I’m talking about you, ladies!  If your self esteem is low when you get naked, how are you going to turn him on, and more importantly, how are you going to turn yourself on?  Look at your body in the mirror at least once a day. Your body is beautiful just the way it is. Trust me, he’ll think so if you think so.

Unfortunately, my marriage eventually broke up because of the roommate syndrome.  Like many couples caught in this painful and confusing place, it took its toll on our marriage and was its undoing.  So take the advice of someone who has been there.  You’re not alone, trust me.  There are more couples living like this than you can imagine. The good news is that you can get out of it. Start with a few little daily changes and you’ll see some results immediately. Isn’t your marriage worth it?

By Maggie Arana

Co-author of “Stop Calling Him Honey …. And Start Having Sex!”

The post The Roommate Syndrome appeared first on AKAMom Magazine.