Divorce is hard enough to go through as an adult, however, when kids are involved the struggle can reach a whole new level. I’ve compiled a list of do’s and don’ts that will make co-parenting a little bit easier, so that you and your ex are able to focus on being the best parents you can be.

Do: Communicate with your ex. As much as you likely don’t want to communicate with your ex after a divorce, you need to remember you both have a child together, and the communication will be beneficial to that child. Talk with your ex to determine what will work best for you. If something comes up, such as: your child gets sick, breaks a limb, has a fight at school, etc. while you’re not around, you’ll need to know so you can be the best parent you can be. You and your ex will need to establish a simple means of communication – be it a weekly text, email, or a phone call – so that both parents have a firm grasp of what’s going on with your child at any given time.

Don’t: Trash talk your ex. Trash talking might be tempting at times, but it’s not something you ever want to do in front of your child. Listening to you say terrible things about your ex could potentially damage your child’s relationship with the other parent, and that’s really not worth it. Learn to let go of your frustrations and focus on what’s really most important – your child’s health, happiness and well -being. With two caring parents nearby, whether married or divorced, a child will likely be able to achieve those things.

Do: Stay positive. It can be difficult to stay positive in the midst of a divorce and even after, but you should strive to stay positive for the sake of your child. Make positive statements about your ex in front of your child, and focus on building your child up by encouraging their strengths. Your child might experience anger and depression that has stemmed from the divorce, so you’ll need to be so positive that your mood rubs off on them.

Don’t: Force a child to choose sides. Do whatever it takes to keep your child out of a messy divorce. Don’t ask them to choose sides. Instead, create a fair schedule wherein your child will have the opportunity to spend time with both yourself and your ex. Forcing a child to choose between Mom or Dad can be detrimental to your child. Remember that you’re a parent – first and foremost – and do whatever will be best for your child.

Do: Find consistency. Co-parenting works best when there’s consistency — consistency in schedule, rules and visitation. You’ll need to communicate with your ex in order to establish consistency in your child’s life. Having this consistency and routine will help your child feel more comfortable and at ease within the chaos of divorce.

When in doubt, remember that your child is more important than anything else, and try to be the best parent you can be.

Happy co-parenting!

DaddyNickell

Parenting Expert and father of 7, Robert Nickell (aka Daddy Nickell) offers his “5 cents” worth of advice to expectant and new parents.  Daddy Nickell is the founder of Daddy & Co., delivery room duds and daddy gifts and apparel for every stage of fatherhood, and the Daily Daddy Blog.  He is also the creator and producer of “My Life as a Dad,” the groundbreaking new web series that showcases celebrity fathers offering their personal experiences and parenting tips.

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Turbulent, fast-paced, chaotic – the modern world is increasingly hectic. From this oft-crazy environment, a new movement is emerging – where people are pausing to find deeper meaning in everyday life. Self-empowerment and true emotional connections can counterbalance daily stress and uncertainty, providing happiness and a genuine sense of worth.

If you find the days seem to slip away and life’s hurried pace to be draining, it’s time to find some simple ways to add meaning to your life. Here are five ideas for nurturing a deeper connection with yourself and others:

1. Reconnect with your passion 
Did you enjoy painting when you were younger? Have you always wanted to take a photography class? Do you love to travel? It’s important to recognize and nurture those activities you love most so that you’re able to go out and do what you’re great at in the world. New York-based yoga instructor, Tara Stiles has infused her passion and energy into her work as a yoga, meditation and wellness instructor. “Passion is really about going after what you want to achieve in your life,” says Stiles. Whether it’s cooking, writing or gardening, make time for what you enjoy doing, rather than just doing what you have to. Even one hour a week dedicated to your passion will make you feel more centered and grounded.

2. Express your individuality 
Individual beliefs and values make us each unique, and you can express those ideals through your fashion and jewelry choices. For example, the new Pandora Essence Collection is more than just a beautiful bracelet. You can select from 24 hand finished charms, each representing inner-values like faith, love, courage, confidence and wisdom. Each charm slides effortlessly into position on a slender silver bracelet, thanks to three silicone grip stoppers inside each charm. Whether for yourself or a gift for a loved one, the bracelet is the perfect reminder of what’s really important in life.

3. Give back 
Volunteering in your community is a great way to connect with others and find deeper meaning in the everyday. Leila Janah, a social entrepreneur based in San Francisco, traveled to West Africa at the age of 17, and volunteered in a school for blind children. The experience led her to found Samasource, a nonprofit organization that helps individuals living in poverty. Janah recalls that “[Volunteering in West Africa] was a time of incredible personal growth and it set me on the path to do what I do.” Whether you choose to help stock a local food shelf, supervise at your children’s school or travel abroad to help build houses for the poor, volunteering is sure to make you feel more connected with the world around you.

4. Find “me time” 
Modern life can be very busy with every hour in every day dedicated to some activity. This can take its toll on your body, so it’s important to remember to take care of yourself, even if you’re taking care of others. Find your own way to relax and rejuvenate. This may be spending a few minutes each day balancing the mind and body through stretching and meditation. It might be taking a quiet walk, reading a book or having a cup of tea while journaling. Whatever you prefer, make sure to take “me time” throughout the day.

5. Be an ambassador for your beliefs 
What truly ignites your soul? It may be your passion for green living, healthy eating or your faith. Whatever your beliefs, it’s important to show the world who you are and what you believe in. Penelope Jagessar Chaffer, an award-winning filmmaker, shares her beliefs and connects with others through her work. “I’m always trying to find that common thread between myself and someone else when I’m interviewing them,” Chaffer says. “I find that love, and talking about love, is this thing we can use to help connect us.” Talk about your beliefs and values with others; you might be surprised by what you find.

Rather than getting swept away in a hectic schedule, try focusing on what truly matters to you. These simple ways to add meaning to your life will help you reconnect with yourself and with those around you.

*BPT

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                                            By Dr. Gerald Newmark

5 Critical Emotional Needs

• Respected – For a child to feel respected, they need to be treated in a courteous, thoughtful, attentive, and civil manner – as individuals, deserving of the same courtesy and consideration as others.
• Important – A child needs to feel: “I have value. I am useful. I have power. I am somebody.”
• Accepted – Children need to feel accepted as individuals in their own right, with their uniqueness.  This means children have a right to their own feelings, opinions, ideas, concerns, wants and needs.
• Included – Children need to feel they belong, to feel a part of things, to feel connected to other people, to have a sense of community.
• Secure – Security means creating a positive environment where people care about one another and show it; where enough structure exist for children to feel safe and protected, and where children have opportunities to actively participate in their own evolution and that of the family.

Family Situations

• In interaction with children, how you do something is as important as what you do.
• There are behaviors that help and there are behaviors that hurt.
• Approach situations with the attitude that every interaction with our children is an opportunity to teach and to learn, to connect or disconnect, and with the intention of creating endless connections

Recollections from Childhood

• Parents have a great impact on children.
• Parents are the main role models for children.  A parent’s influence is significant on a child, often lasting well into adulthood and frequently affecting how a child will raise their own children.
• Parents can read through chapter 3 and identify positive and negative behaviors they currently engage in.  Once the behavior is identified then they can make changes.
• As parents, we need to become more conscience students of our own behavior.

Becoming a Professional at Parenting

• Parenting is probably the most important and most difficult responsibility anyone of us might have in a lifetime.  Ironically, it’s rare that parents set aside time to question how well they are doing.
• Essential elements of professionalism: making conscious decisions, having a game plan, becoming a student of one’s own behavior, having an experimental attitude.
• Adopting the five critical needs as core values to guide behavior. Page 85
• Changing habits or starting new habits is not easy.  Chapter 4 outlines suggested game plans to help the transition from concept to action.

Overcoming Obstacles and Taking Control

• Becoming a professional at parenting means becoming a more conscious parent.
• Recognize if you feel overwhelmed, it’s an indication you are doing too much and/or behaving inefficiently.
• Prepare to-do list, prioritize and schedule, create additional time
• Realize you will never be able to do it all.

Strengthening Families and Schools

Family

• To create a sense of community families need to be involved with one another – to do things together.
• Preparation for meeting the child’s critical emotional needs should begin during pregnancy, and behavior to meet these emotional needs should begin at the same time and continue when the child is born.
• It is never too late to start adopting the 5 critical needs and making positive changes.

Schools

• Next to the family, schools have the greatest influence in meeting the 5 critical needs of children.
• The Children’s Project is a grassroots, non-commercial effort, by Dr. Gerald Newmark and Deborah Newmark designed to help schools meet the 5 critical needs of children.
• As children experience what it is like to feel respected, important, accepted, included and secure and these needs become a home and school value, the kids are more likely to become self-confident, independent, thinking, caring, civic-minded individuals.

Go to www.emotionallyhealthychildren.org to order this MUST-HAVE book for your family! Available in English and Spanish versions.

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